To My First Born...

Here we are less than a week away from welcoming your little sister into our crazy crew and I can’t help but remember back to when it was you who we were about to welcome into our lives for the first time.  You have no idea how you have changed my world and you probably never will know or understand that until you have a child of your own one day.  We have come a long way together!  

It is you who I first had to struggle through sleepless nights with.  It is you who would only fall asleep ON me for the first couple of months and wanted nothing to do with any swing, bed, pack n play, crib, etc.  It is you who taught me what it’s like to experience the closest thing possible to God’s Love.  It is you who I struggled with through months of hard and long breastfeeding days, three horrible bouts of mastitis and then finally “getting” it and sharing a bond that no one else in the world would ever have with you.  It is you who helped me relax a little when it came to all those funny (sometimes scary) noises that a newborn makes - you taught me that it was normal, whatever sound you were making, however many hours at night you weren’t sleeping, it was all normal.

It is you who taught me to be a morning person. My body literally can't sleep past 7 a.m....thanks? ;-)

It is you who my ears have grown accustomed to hearing and I still occasionally hear phantom cries and swear it was you, only to find you sound asleep in your bed or playing nicely in your room.

It is you who taught me to pray more than I ever have because I’ve never had such a huge responsibility in my life before.

It is you who showed me what it means to truly have patience, to lose my patience, only to try, try again with more patience the next time. 

It is you who showed me what it means to love someone with every ounce of my being and then continue to love you even more than I ever thought possible.  You showed me what it means to be a mommy, what it means to give up my old life only to gain a new life that is far different but far better and much more full than the life I ever had before.

It is you who has made me want to have more children.  How could I not, when these past few years have been some of the best years of my life.  You bring us more joy than I ever thought possible.

I am sure that Brooklyn will bring changes to our family, both hard and wonderful, that we can’t even begin to understand or see right now.  But I’m also so confident of the wonderful big brother you will be to her.  You have a heart that is so big and so full of love and I can’t wait for her to learn so much from you.  I pray that I will have patience and grace and more patience and grace as we both experience this new change together.  I pray I will remember that my big (almost) 3 year old is still just a THREE year old who hasn't been around for very long, hasn't experienced much of life and is still learning and growing each day.  I pray I will remember that not long ago it was you that we were bringing home from the hospital in the cold crisp January air and even though that sometimes feels like forever ago, it has zoomed by and flashed before my eyes.  I pray that I will never lose sight of who you are just because I have another little person that will mean so much to me as well.  And I mostly pray that you, Brayden, will alway know how treasured and cherished and loved you are.  You will always be my first born and you will always be the one who turned me into a Mommy!  Here’s to our family of three turning to a family of four, four times the joy and love and laughter and craziness than we once experienced before.  I’m so thankful for the little boy God has made you to be!

Life After Loss

Did you know October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?  I actually didn't know that and found that out the day before my baby would be taken from me.  How ironic life is sometimes...

This blog post may be a bit all over the place since that's how my thoughts are currently but I really did want to write things out.  Writing is so therapeutic for me and even if it's a jumbled mess I know it's something I will look back on one day and be happy that I have.  So, like I say for most of my blog posts, if you stick with me and read this whole thing, thanks!  I actually wrote this post yesterday after the D&C procedure.  I added little bits here and there all throughout the day but was unsure if I wanted to post it or not.  Well here it goes...

I've been in and out of sleep for many hours today.  That anesthesia is some powerful (and wonderful) stuff.  I was incredibly nervous before going into the hospital but honestly the emotional pain I am having to endure is way worse than the nerves, worry, and physical pain I have experienced.  My doctor was beyond amazing and it's really no surprise that he would be.  He's the same doctor who delivered me when I was born and the same doctor who cared for me during the 9 months that Brayden was growing inside of me.  Kevin and I talked after Brayden was born that we would need to find a new doctor for our next baby because Dr. Roberts and Medical City are just way too far from our house considering how quickly I labor and the fact we were told our 2nd child would most likely come even faster than Brayden.  But 2 months ago when I got that positive pregnancy test there was something deep inside of me saying, "Don't switch doctors yet!  Just wait until you're past the 1st trimester."  The drive is a pain but Dr. Roberts is so compassionate and I had this tugging at my heart telling me I would want him as my doctor for this pregnancy, even if for only some of it.  I now totally see why.  I can't imagine having gone through this with a brand new doctor who I knew nothing about.

This pregnancy was short.  It was nothing like my pregnancy with Brayden.  I felt different emotionally and physically for the entire 9 weeks and I just chalked it up to, "Oh every pregnancy is different" and "Leah, you're just a worry wart, calm down!"  But I guess my intuition was right this whole time.  When I went in for my very first appointment at 5 weeks I was expecting to see nothing.  I really was in denial that I was pregnant and something from the start just didn't feel right.  But low and behold, small as it may have been, there definitely was something going on inside of me.  I returned two weeks later and received the only picture I'll have of this little baby.  It's just a blob and I have no idea what to make of it but I don't really care, I'll keep it forever.  At that appointment (7 weeks) we saw the heartbeat on the screen.  I was relieved, yes, but something still didn't feel right.  Chances of a miscarriage drop drastically once a heartbeat is detected.  So I had that to lean on but still, I just felt negative inside.  Before we left that day my doctor told us all was well and he would see us again in 2 weeks.  I realized he never even told me the heartrate of the baby and I was curious why.  I asked him, he shared with me what it was and then said, "You know, it's a bit low but I'm not overly concerned about it.  We'll just keep an eye on it.  It's still so early."  Unfortunately he didn't have to keep an eye on it for long at all.  Baby most likely passed just a few days after that appointment, however my body continued to carry it and act like I was pregnant for 2 more weeks.  The nausea never went away, the exhaustion was definitely still there, the cravings lingered (lemon and citrus everything) and my tummy started to get a little bit of a bump.  I lost a lot of weight during the time I breastfed Brayden so I could definitely tell when my stomach started to poke out so early on this time around.  I loved it though!  There's nothing like starting to show when you are pregnant.  It's the only time in the world where you love the fact that your clothes are getting tighter.  But when you have nothing to show for it anymore and what once was a wonderful reminder of a baby growing is now a reminder of the baby that is no more, suddenly it becomes hard to look at in the mirror and all you want to do is figure out how to get the weight off and get to your old skinny jeans.

Two days before my 9 week appointment some things were going on and I just felt it best to call my doctor and let him know.  I'm a worrier, so I always feel like I'm making a big deal about nothing when I make decisions like this.  Dr. Roberts called me back pretty quickly and told me he would squeeze me in that afternoon if I wanted to stop by.  So I dropped Brayden off at my wonderful mother in law's house (one of his favorite places to be) and headed to the hospital.  As I sat in the waiting room I just couldn't help but feel a sense of peace yet also a sense of knowing something was not good.  It was a weird mixture of feelings.  I immediately was seen by Dr. Roberts and then was sent for my ultrasound next door.  As I lay down and looked up at the screen I knew right away the baby was gone.  The lady doing the sonogram was looking and measuring other things before checking the baby but all I could focus on was the my little one on the screen.  The first thing I noticed was that fast little flicker of a heartbeat that I saw two weeks before was no more and baby looked even smaller than the first time I saw him/her.  I learned that once a baby dies in the womb during the first trimester it begins to shrink as rapidly as it would have grown.  She didn't have to tell me because I already saw but that's when she said she couldn't find the heartbeat and baby was measuring way behind.  And that was that.  She looked at me with sympathetic eyes, which I'm sure she puts on for every woman who has to sit in her office and go through this, apologized and then game me my next instructions.  No laughter or joking of the little blob on the screen like last time, no picture printed out and handed to me of the little baby that would immediately be put on the fridge at home.  Nothing like how it should be.  How you hope it will be.  It was so dreamlike.  But a very horrible dream that I hope to never experience again.

I met with Dr. Roberts right after and he was very comforting and allowed me to talk and tell him all about how I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the start.  He just listened and I'm sure he's heard it all before.  Then we began to talk about the procedure I would need to have since my body was clearly not getting rid of this baby any time soon even though I was most definitely not pregnant anymore.  I left his office and called Kevin first and then shared the news with other family and friends.

It's amazing how our plans change in an instant.  Sunday afternoon Kevin and I were talking all about the busy week we had coming up.  Several nights where he would be coming home super late, or needing to eat dinner fast so he could rush off to something he had planned.  We had a long allergy appointment for Brayden that was planned for Tuesday and I was dreading that (he hasn't outgrown any allergies either. Super!).  We were both kind of dreading the week but now I would take all of those simple daily stresses over the way this week has turned out.  All the things we had planned are no more, we haven't been to work and nothing has gone the way we thought it would.  Just a reminder how quickly like can go from good and wonderful to difficult and depressing.

When I start to get sad over this baby (which is off and on randomly all throughout the day) I feel Satan telling me to cut it out and move on with life.  I feel crazy for grieving over something I never even met.  I think about women who have been through far worse with their babies.  Women who have carried their babies full term only to lose them.  And here I am sad and mourning the loss of a teeny tiny baby who didn't even have a name yet.  I know that's Satan talking.  Deep down inside I know this baby was still a life and created by God.  Satan wants me to feel even worse than I already do so of course he attacks my heart and makes me feel ridiculous for feeling so sad.  The emotions I feel are so very real but they are also unique and unless you have been through this kind of pain, you have no idea what it's like.  I'm still wearing the hospital bracelets they put on me before the D&C this morning.  Kevin keeps asking me when I'm going to take them off and honestly, I don't know.  I'm not sure why I'm still wearing them.  It's like a reminder that all of this was real and something I don't want to forget except part of me DOES want to forget it.  It's strange.

As I was waiting for my procedure to start this morning I began thinking about how quickly you turn into "mommy mode" when finding out you are pregnant.  As soon as a woman becomes pregnant I believe God starts preparing her heart just as quickly as he is preparing her body for the child.  It's amazing the dreams you can have and the plans you can make when you're just barely pregnant.  You instantly love this little one inside of you and this baby is the one you want.  That's why I keep saying to myself, "I wanted THIS baby!  This is the baby I wanted to carry for 9 months and meet at the end".  So yes, this might lead to another wonderful child who I will love more than anything but for now I wish the baby in heaven was still inside of me.

It's amazing how quickly I stopped feeling pregnant once the baby was out of me.  My stomach just feels different than it did for the last 9 weeks.  It's hard to explain but it just doesn't feel pregnant anymore.  My nausea is also gone.  Night time was the worst time for me as far as feeling nauseous but now it's completely gone.  It's almost as if I never was even pregnant.  Like a dream that I'm waking up from.

I have been so thankful for all of the comments, messages, texts, phone calls, etc. that I have received.  I have heard from a lot of people I never expected to hear from, it's been a surprise.  I also have not heard from a few people who I really thought I WOULD hear from.  It's weird how things work out like that.  I try not to dwell on those people but it does cause my mind to wonder why.  Why don't people say things to others when they know they are hurting?  Why do some people just ignore bad things as if they didn't even happen?  One thing is for sure, this experience has made me so much more mindful of others who are grieving and how just a simple word, message, or gesture can make all of the difference.

I'm so thankful for Kevin's mom who stayed with Brayden most of the day today during my procedure and the time I was resting at home, as well as for her willingness to watch him with just a moments notice on Monday when I needed to head to my doctor's office.  I also woke up this afternoon to some roast in the crock pot and a pumpkin, flowers and Fall candle on the kitchen table :-)

Thank you to my brother for coming to sit in the waiting room with Kevin at 6AM during my procedure.  He didn't have to do that but we are so thankful that he did.  Also thank you to Nathan and Crystal for bringing us dinner.  I'm so thankful they just said "We're bringing you dinner!" rather than asking and giving me a chance to say "No, don't worry about it."  It's a huge relief to not have to worry about something as simple as eating.  It's not simple when you're hurting and it's the last thing you want to think about.

I'm thankful for doctors and nurses.  I am reminded how important and wonderful they are.  I believe they are sometimes overlooked until we truly need them and must rely on them for our safety and healing.  I am so thankful for the good ones we have and their willingness to take care of others and make us feel comfortable and at ease during scary situations.

I'm thankful for my boy!  I find myself just staring at how perfect he is and I am filled with complete awe in how God works to give us our babies.  All babies born are truly miracles.  Every single thing must line up perfectly and when it does it's the most wonderful thing on earth.  I am so blessed that Brayden is healthy and happy and growing and mine.  I can't imagine going through this pain and not having an active toddler running around full of joy distracting me. 

I'm sad he wont wear the big brother shirt we already bought for him (at least not right now) and I'm sad we wont be taking pictures of him to announce this baby at the end of October like we had planned.  I'm sad I can't post some of the first pictures we took of him holding the sonogram.  I mean, I guess I could because they are pretty adorable but there's just no point anymore.  It just stinks.

Last but definitely not least I'm so very thankful for Kevin.  He has stepped up as a husband and father in so many ways during the past 4 days.  I am reminded why I fell in love with him and why he is the one I chose to do life with.  He's sad too.  He has lost a child as well and all the dreams and hopes that go along with it.  His sadness is different from mine but also very much the same yet he has taken on a lot these past 4 days to help keep our family afloat.

Part of me has this urge to get pregnant again right away and another part of me never wants to get pregnant again for fear that this will keep happening.  I'm not sure I can handle going through all of this more than once.  Once was enough.  Once was too much!  But now we wait.  After every storm is a rainbow.  So we will wait for ours...our rainbow baby.

Brayden's 18 Month Happenings

My boy turned 18 months on Sunday and for some reason this one just sounds so big.  He's slowly but surely changing from my little baby boy to my big boy.  There are so many things about him that are so special, I couldn't possibly list them all.  Each day I feel like I notice something new that he's doing and just want to immediately write it down so I'll never forget.  I'm sure there's already things that have happened since he turned 1 that I've already forgotten about but better late than never.  I really hope to look back on this blog one day and reminisce over this special time in his (and my) life.

Brayden is on the go all.the.time.  He rarely ever sits still and when he does you know he's either getting sick or something isn't right.  At about 15 months he started trying to run and he's pretty much got it down now.  It's probably the cutest little run ever and he is FAST!  I go to bed completely exhausted but it's a good exhausted.  I love watching him learn and explore every little thing around him.  Some of his big interests lately are finding rocks (still....he's been doing this for months now) and he even has his own little rock box collection thanks to his Mimi.  We literally have to keep rocks out of his view if we don't have time to stop and let him explore otherwise we hear, "rock rock rock pease, rock" over and over until we give in.

Brayden also loves coloring and writing.  He will get his little notepad and take it all over the house with either crayons or a pencil and scribble all over it.  Sometimes he'll bring me something to write with as well and say, "clawlor" for "color".  Of course how can I say no to that? :)

He repeats almost everything we say these days.  He's trying so hard to learn so many words and is super proud of himself when he finds a word that he can say pretty well, like the word "yellow" he says it all the time.  I've been working with him on his colors and yellow is definitely his favorite one to say and point out.  He also loves the ABC's and numbers.  He constantly requests "BB's" which is his way of telling me to sing the ABC's and he loves to listen to me count.  So far he's able to count to 3 on his own.  His vocabulary is getting bigger and bigger by the day.  Like I said, he repeats just about everything we say but the words he says consistently are:

Da (Dasher)
Daddy, DaDa
Mama
Mimi
Gaga
Pa (Pops)
Ba (Bath)
Ni Ni (night night)
Yellow
Red
Purp (purple)
Boo (blue)
Geen (green)
Eat
Bye Bye
Hi
Bee
Car
Wow
Pap (paci)
Ree (Rain)
Bed
Nose
Eyes
Teet (teeth :-))
God
Amen
Mo (Elmo)
Bread (he's totally my child)
Blank (blanket)
Poop....he's all boy :-)
Ball
Raw (rock)
Go (he loves to say this to Dasher to get him to move out of the way)

Brayden loves giving kisses, blowing kisses, eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses.  He knows all the main body parts (eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, head, hair, arms, hands, fingers, feet, toes, belly button) and he loves to point all these out when I rock him before laying him down for bed at night.

Brayden loves all things water whether it's the bath, water table, a pool, the sprinkler, the hose, the dog bowl...you name it, if it has water he's going to be playing in it.  He got to experience the beach for the first time last month and actually surprised us by not really wanting to do with ocean but more so the sand....he loved the sand!  I really wasn't expecting him to since he doesn't really like things on his hands but he proved me wrong.

Brayden's also very shy when it comes to men.  He doesn't have a problem with women but when it comes to men outside of the family he's a little standoffish.  He will either cry or bury his head to avoid eye contact haha.

He's not really into watching much TV but when he does he loves Elmo and Daniel Tiger.  And Brayden LOVES music!  His favorite song of all time is "Uptown Funk"...probably not the greatest song out there but it's the beat that he can't get enough of.  He calls it "Doo Doo" and if you've ever heard how that song begins you'll know why he calls it that :-)  Brayden also has two things that he carries around with him just about everywhere...his little dinosaur and a duck.  For some reason he really loves ducks and no matter where we go if he sees a toy duck, that's what he will go for :-)

Brayden has just recently started telling me when he's about to or going poop.  It still seems a little early to start potty training but I'm thinking we may start sooner rather than later.

I just can't believe we're 6 months away from having a 2 year old!  That's crazy to me!  It feels like just yesterday he was this itty bitty thing in the hospital room.  But we are so blessed and thankful for the sweet and loving little boy that God gave to us.  I pray that we will raise him to have a strong relationship with the Lord and that he will become the man that God created him to be.

Five Things a Food Allergy Mom Wants You to Know

After a hard day in "Allergy Land" I caught myself thinking millions of thoughts and wondering if anyone had any idea what it was like to be in this position.  Obviously you can't know what it's like unless you are given a glimpse, so here goes.  Here are five things this allergy mama wishes you knew:

1. I may seem obsessive and overprotective
I realize I may come across like this to others but honestly I'm okay with that.  If me reminding you of something over and over again means one less reaction for Brayden, then it was worth it.  The older Brayden gets the more I pray that I am able to balance my job of keeping him safe and also teaching him how to handle and take charge of his allergies on his own.  But as long as he's two feet tall with only the ability to jibber jabber all day, then I will continue to be my child's advocate and speak for him, hover, remind, question, and remind some more in order to keep him safe.  Sorry (not sorry) if you don't like that.

2. My child is perfectly normal in every other way
I am determined to not allow food allergies to define who Brayden is.  At only 14 months old this kid is smart, super adorable, stubborn, hilarious, determined, loving, cuddly and so much more.  He loves books, his favorite word as of late is "WOW!" and he can dance like you wouldn't believe (I'm talking some good hip action).  He just so happens to also be allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts and tree nuts.  He is a kid with food allergies, he's not a food allergy kid.

3. I mourn food
This one is kind of silly, I get that but I truly do mourn the food Brayden can't eat.  I feel sad that he can't go to a Mexican restaurant and have chips and queso, a cheese enchilada or buttered tortillas.  It breaks my heart that we won't be going on family ice cream runs on warm summer nights.  It bums me out that we won't have pizza night and order from Papa John's or Dominos.  And I ache a little inside at the thought that he won't know what it's like to go to the donut shop in his pjs on a Saturday morning with dad.  I know it's just food but food is such a huge part of our society.  In happy times, you celebrate with food.  In sad times, you share a meal with friends.  In all the other times in life, you enjoy food with loved ones.  Going out to eat as a family won't be a fun, relaxing outing and that makes me hurt.

4. Food allergies are not minor
Just because your son's best friend's cousin was "allergic" to dairy and never had anything happen except an upset stomach, doesn't mean all food allergy reactions are like that.  Brayden has an epi-pen.  It has to be assumed that people who have epi-pens have severe allergies that could send them into an unconscious state which would require emergency treatment and medical personnel if they ever came in contact with one of their allergens.  I am so thankful that we have yet to experience anaphylaxis.  The worst that Brayden has had to deal with so far is his tiny body covered in hives, itchy bleeding skin and puffy red eyes.  It's not pretty and I'm sure it's uncomfortable but so far he hasn't had a super severe reaction.  He also has never had even a bite of egg or peanut butter.  But the fact that he has never experienced anaphylaxis doesn't mean that the possibility isn't there.  In fact, according to his numbers on his food allergy tests, he is a prime candidate for anaphylaxis.  He is off the charts for dairy and peanuts (they only test up to a certain number and he was above the number they stop testing) and his numbers for egg and tree nuts are so high that they are considered severe as well.  I've had people tell me, "Oh, just one bite won't hurt" but actually yes, one bite could hurt him. You would be surprised by the hives that form after receiving a kiss from mommy after she had just eaten cereal with milk (yes, this actually happened).  In fact, the first reaction that caused us to get him checked for food allergies came from just one tiny bite (really, just one noodle) of mac and cheese.  Food allergies are very serious.  Please don't downplay the struggles my son faces, it could cost him his life.

5. I am thankful for supportive, compassionate people
I can't even begin to describe the feelings that come when someone else tries to relate to our struggle with Brayden's food allergies.  When someone finds a recipe that fits our bill and shares it with me, I'm thankful.  When someone asks how Brayden is doing after a reaction, I notice and I'm thankful for your concern.  When we celebrate small victories like finding a new restaurant that Brayden can eat the food from, a new recipe that was a success, or one more day that he was kept safe, I appreciate all of you who celebrate right along with us.  Brayden has wonderful teachers at school who make sure to keep him safe.  I am very thankful for that.  This journey is lonely sometimes.  It's lonely when no one really "gets it" and when you don't have many people to relate to and bounce things back and forth with, but the people out there who try to understand, try to help, and try to encourage mean so much.  All of this to say, I also notice the not so kind, not so supportive, not so compassionate people who make me feel like my child is a burden.  And you, my friend(s), are on my naughty list.  It's one thing for someone to get under your skin but when someone is tacky about your child, that's a whole different ballgame, Amen?

Being a mom to a child with food allergies has made me see other parent's struggles with their children in a whole new light.  No one knows what another mom or dad is facing with their child.  As parents we are all struggling with something relating to our kids and that something is a big deal to whoever it is affecting.  I have learned so much about just showing grace and compassion to what others may be going through.  Even if I don't understand it, I can be supportive.  I know a lot of people don't understand all of the details involving food allergies and that's okay.  I don't expect you to.  But showing compassion and support in our struggle is heartwarming,  Being aware and careful when you are around my child, is extremely comforting.  While food allergies are scary and they are challenging, they don't have to be a death sentence.  Food allergies are manageable and with help from others we can keep Brayden (and all of the other children with food allergies) safe and happy.  There are so many people with major heartaches, hardships and struggles in life.  I am often reminded how blessed we are to have a healthy, happy little boy who is developing like any other toddler his age.  Now that's something to be thankful for.

When Motherhood Makes You Ache

You know those hard days of being a mom...

The days when the baby is getting (what seems like) all of his teeth at the exact same time, you're running on 3 hours of sleep (if you're lucky), sickness is lurking around every corner and you'd give anything to just have a few moments of alone time.  The days when nothing is going right, bad news and rough moments continue to make their way into your home and the only thing you truly want is to just go to bed and sleep through it.  Those days are difficult and those days are the ones I like to look past.

But then there are the days when everything seems to go right, you feel like you've got this "being a mom" thing down and you can't imagine life without your little one(s).  Most days are like this thankfully and tonight with Brayden was one of those nights where I couldn't help but get so overwhelmed by the love I have for him that it literally, hurt.  In a good way. 

Who knew, Motherhood could make your heart ache in such a good, wonderful, beautiful way.

One of Brayden's favorite things to do lately is go on walks.  As soon as I say the "W" word his little eyes light up and he starts making the most precious little sounds only he can make to let me know that, yes, he in fact does want to go for a walk.  So I buckled him up in the stroller and off we went, Christmas music playing from my phone.  Every now and then he would look up at me and smile and my heart would ache with intense love for him.

When we got home, Kevin (who normally does the bath time/bedtime routine) was putting our Christmas lights up outside so I headed inside to start Brayden's bath.  The "B" word just like the "W" word is a big deal in our house, as I'm sure it is in other babies homes as well.  Brayden LOVES bath time.  As I turned on the water and stripped him down I couldn't help but stare at his precious little baby body so smooth and perfectly chunky.  I ached, knowing he wouldn't always be this little.  This innocent.  Soon it was time to get out which always causes some tears because the end of the bath time means the end of the world....obviously.  But as I wrapped him up in a towel and held him close to me he laid his head against me as if to say, "Never put me down mommy!"  Sometimes I wish I could hold him forever.  I think back to when he was a day, a week, a month old and how often I did hold him and now only 10 1/2 short months later and I'm already holding him less and less.  10 months!  How can he grow SO much in 10 months.  My heart ached.

Lotion has never been a favorite thing for B.  He squirms and wiggles (and cries and screams if it's a really hard night) but tonight was different.  He quietly babbled away as I lotioned (is that a word?) him up memorizing all his precious little baby fat rolls and creases.  PJ's came next and then we went to the bathroom to comb his baby soft hair.  Hair that's getting more and more little curls with each passing month.  Hair that I hope never changes color or loses those adorable waves.

Before it was time for Brayden to get his last feeding of the night, I said one of his other favorite words, "BOOKS" and with lots of giggles and squeals he leaned back against my chest as I read one of his favorites, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear".  As I looked at his little legs stretched out across mine I began to think back to when his entire body could fit snuggled in one arm.

Soon it was bedtime but before I gave him his paci and blanket we said a prayer like always.  Brayden laid his head on my shoulder and made soft little baby noises as I prayed for him to have a good night's sleep.  As soon as he heard the "Amen" he lifted his head and grinned.  He always grins when the prayer is over.  It might be the cutest thing ever.  I kissed him and laid him down and he stretched his arms up to my face as I leaned over his crib.  I gave him several more kisses (because there can never be too many) and then turned off the light.  He didn't cry or anything and I began to think how comforting it was for me (and for him) to know that he must feel pretty content, happy and safe to just lay in his dark room alone and put himself to sleep.  I love knowing that all of his needs have been met for the evening and laying in bed by himself to wind down is something he's perfectly okay with doing.

Seriously, it was one of those nights I wish I could relive again and again.  Brayden is at such a fun age right now.  He's becoming so aware of everything around him, yet still SO dependent.  He's learning so many things each day, yet still constantly needs me.  He's starting to get the best personality and actually has moments of being silly (it cracks me up that such a tiny human knows how to be silly already).

As I stare at his sweet little body on the monitor as he lay stretched out in bed, my heart can't help but ache in the most wonderful way.  I am so incredibly thankfully for this little boy that God blessed me with.  How in the world do I deserve him? 

It got me thinking about how incredibly loved we are as humans by our Heavenly father.  How often does he look at us with a deep love that is truly indescribable.  We cannot even fathom the love He has for us.  As much as we experience love on this earth, it still will never compare to God's love for His people.  The closest I have come to experiencing God's love is through the love I have for my son.  This little boy who has done nothing in return for my love and has no idea how to love or what love even is, yet I can't help but love him more each day.  So much love it causes my heart to ache.  In the best way possible!

Goodbye Peanuts, Dairy and Eggs!

I'm.So.Exhausted!  Those are three words that keep rolling through my head today.  I'm exhausted because for the past almost 3 weeks since finding out about Brayden's food allergies I have not slept well at all.  Every single night I have had a dream about Brayden either having a horrible reaction to one of the foods he's allergic to or a doctor's visit discussing the allergies.  I can't seem to sleep all through the night because my brain is just constantly going and I wake up several times only to fall back asleep and dream the same things all over again.

Today Brayden had his very first allergist appointment.  He's starting to get to the age where he seems to know something is going on whenever we go to the doctor and today was no different.  He looked a little unsure when we walked in but one of the ladies was putting up and decorating the office Christmas tree and Brayden LOVED watching her hang the ornaments so that kept his attention while we were in the waiting room.  When we got called back they checked all his vitals and then we sat in the doctor's room for a few minutes where there was a huge mirror behind the patient table.  Brayden had so much fun looking at himself in the mirror.  So between the mirror and the paper on the table he was quite entertained.

Pretty soon after this picture was taken we got started on the skin testing.  The initial "pokes" were actually a lot faster than I was expecting.  For some reason I thought they were going to individually poke him over and over and over until they put all the samples onto his skin but they were able to give the "poke" with about 6 different samples at once several times.  I'm sure it didn't feel good getting poked with 6 different spiky ends about 4 times but it was better than 24 spikey ends individually.  Kinda like ripping a band aid off....just get it over with.  Anyway, my little guy is SO brave and strong.  He cried for the pokes but as soon as she was done he was totally fine.  It was pretty sad watching his face and little body flinch each time he got poked.  It also made a clicking noise that kind of startled me and I'm sure he wasn't expecting it either which didn't help things, but it was fast, so that's good.  Now the waiting 20 minutes part was a little challenging only because we had to be sure he didn't try to reach and scratch his back.  Thank goodness for the Will I Am Sesame Street "What I am" music video.  We watched it over and over and over and threw in a little "Elmo's Got the Moves" music video as well and then the test was done.

When the doctor saw that he really was allergic to Dairy we had to do two more pokes because she wanted to see if he was allergic to both proteins in Milk which, unfortunately, he is.  Soooooo the final diagnoses is that Brayden is highly allergic to peanuts, dairy, and eggs. We have 2 epi pens but plan to get a few more because I learned today that they really shouldn't be separated in case one fails if we ever need to use it.  He had a few reactions to some tree nuts but not all.  However since most of the time peanut and tree nut allergies go hand in hand and most companies that produce tree nuts also produce peanuts and vise versa, we're going to avoid all tree nuts as well, at least until he is older and can verbally tell us what he is feeling when eating something.  The skin test did show that Brayden doesn't seem to be allergic to wheat or soy which the blood testing said he was.  She said it was most likely a false positive so I am thankful for that.  We've already given him some wheat products and he hasn't had any reactions but I plan to introduce any products with soy very slowly just in case.  I'll take this as an answered prayer because lots of things have wheat in them as well....I'm glad that opens up his diet just a little bit.

I've cried many many tears over all of this already and honestly, I'm sure there will still be more to come.  But today I truly did feel a peace wash over me as we left the doctor's office.  Not because anything really changed and I didn't really hear anything that made me feel 100% better but it was nice getting this testing over with and being able to say we have answers.  A huge thank you to anyone who was praying for us, I really believe it helped and God has given me this peace today.

I keep thinking far into the future and Kevin keeps reminding me I can't do that.  I've thought about what it will be like for him when he starts school, when he goes Trick or Treating, when his class has holiday parties with yummy treats, when he starts dating, will he be known as the "allergy boy"?  I hope and pray that my fears (most of which stay in my head) do not ever become a reality.  I pray that my baby can have a normal life just like any other kid, just with a few changes here and there.  I'm scared for when I have to start talking to him about these allergies.  I want to find the balance between letting him know how very serious these allergies are but at the same time not scaring him and causing him anxiety.  He's such a normal and healthy little boy in every other way, I want him to know that and I want others to know that.

I have already learned so much about food allergies just in these past 2 1/2 weeks but I know there is still SO much out there to learn.  It scares me a little bit....who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT how uninformed people are about food allergies though.  I can't blame them, I mean I used to totally be uninformed and I'm sure I still am in some ways.  But I truly do wish more awareness could be made about food allergies.  I wish people knew that, most of the time, a food allergy and a food intolerance is not the same thing.  I want people to know and understand that if Brayden eats a peanut it wont just cause an upset tummy, it could literally kill him.  If he drinks some milk from another child's sippy cup or picks up a piece of cheese, he could stop breathing and die.  It sounds so scary and so harsh but it is the reality and it is why my life is about to totally transform.  Being a parent is already the hardest job around but add to that, parenting a child with a food allergy (multiple food allergies at that) and you've got yourself an extremely stressful and overwhelming job.  I just want my little boy to be safe and happy.  I want to feel at peace and comfortable when he's not with me.  I want to know that others are going to do everything in their power to make sure my little guy (and so many other children with food allergies) is safe.  This may take extra work, extra time, extra preparation but I do think he's worth it....all children are worth it.

Even though this isn't something I wish was happening and I would never wish this on someone else, I do have many reasons to be thankful.  I'm thankful that I have a healthy little boy who is SO full of life and curiosity. He is so much fun and gets more and more fun with each passing month.  I'm SO very thankful that we didn't have to find out about Brayden's allergies through a severe anaphylactic reaction.  I am thankful for modern medicine that can help protect my baby if (God forbid) he ever does accidentally eat one of his allergens.  For some reason God chose me to be his mom and I have to believe it wasn't by accident and that God will help me know exactly how to help Brayden through these struggles now while he is completely unaware and later on in his life when he is aware.  I pray that these allergies will not hold him back and that God will use him in so many ways.  I pray that Brayden will know how special he is.  I also pray that maybe just maybe, Brayden can be one of the 60-80% of children who outgrow dairy and egg allergies and one of the 20% who outgrows peanut allergies.  In the meantime I pray for wisdom, understanding, patience (lots and lots of patience) protection and that somehow, someway God will use a very scary situation for His good.  Right now, I'm not sure what will come from all of this but I know the One who is in control and I have to believe I can trust Him with Brayden's life....food allergies and all.

When Life Gets Messy, Scary and Overwhelming

If you don't like reading about people's feelings then you may want to go ahead and exit out of this blog post.  This post really isn't for anyone as much as it is for me.  All week long I've had millions (literally) of thoughts racing through my head - so many and so fast that I still haven't really even processed all of them. But tonight as I sit in a quiet house, with Brayden sound asleep, I felt it might help me to lay it all out a bit. If you stick with me through this post, well thanks! :-)

As some of you already know, on Tuesday of this week, I found out that Brayden has several very severe food allergies.  I knew this was a possibility since we did some allergy testing on him a couple weeks ago but I guess I never really believed it would be this bad.  I know it can always be worse!  I've heard people tell me that and I've reminded myself of that many times already but I also know that it's okay to feel sad and upset about rough times and disappointments in life.  Yes, someone always has it worse but that doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't matter.  Brayden's allergy to peanuts and cow's milk was off the charts.  When I heard that, my stomach dropped.  My first thought when I heard about the dairy allergy was "What in the world will I do for him for his 1st birthday smash cake?"  I know, that seems so trivial but it really was my first thought.  I know there are options out there for that but nothing tastes as good as a cake full of dairy, however he won't know the difference - you can't miss what you've never had.  When I heard we needed to get an epipen in our home immediately, I panicked.  Brayden was in the nursery as I talked to his pediatrician on the phone and I thought to myself, "No one back in the nursery knows what's going on, what if he comes in contact with dairy or peanuts right now??"  Again, it seems like a little tiny bit of an overreaction now but these are just the true honest thoughts I was having. I still occasionally feel like people may think I'm taking this too seriously and I'm sure there are people out there, who don't understand serious food allergies, that would probably agree with that.  But the fact of the matter is, if it was your child who could die if he put a certain food in his mouth, I guarantee you'd be feeling the same way.  Especially if it was several different foods.  Go check your pantry, let me know how many things in there are dairy and peanut free, how many things are made in peanut and nut facilities.  Everything has dairy in it these days.  As of now, my pantry is full of stuff Brayden can't have.

After hearing the news my thoughts very quickly turned to sadness, fear, and anger.  How does MY baby have allergies that could literally take his life if he comes in contact with certain foods?  What if I miss an ingredient when looking at food labels and give Brayden something he can't have?  Will I recognize the signs if he needs his epipen?  How will Brayden ever live a completely normal life having to avoid so many foods and having to worry about accidently coming into contact with one?  How will I be able to protect him when he goes to school and is on his own?  What if kids are mean and try to sneak Brayden things he can't have?  Why do stupid food allergies even exist...how ridiculous for someone to have to worry about a FOOD ITEM killing them!!!!  This has felt way scarier and more overwhelming then when I left the hospital with him at 2 days old and was expected to keep him alive.

The past few days have already made me so much more aware of people who deal with severe food allergies.  These past few days have also made me aware of just how clueless some people are about food allergies, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.  While waiting to pick up Brayden's epipen from Walgreens, I was holding him in my arms and the cashier behind the pharmacy desk said, "Oh poor baby is having an allergic reaction right now?"  I looked at her a little dumbfounded and responded, "Oh no, he's fine right now, but the epipen will be for anytime in the future if he does have a severe reaction."  I know that seems minor but it annoyed me.  How could this woman not know that an epipen was serious?  It wasn't just for little red bumps that pop up after taking a bite of a strawberry or a tiny little cough that tickles your throat every time you eat too much ice cream.  A food allergy is not the same as a food intolerance.  This epipen was my son's saving grace if he ever were to come in contact with peanuts or dairy.  I know she meant nothing by her comments but it still makes me wish more people were aware of how serious food allergies are.  It's impossible to fully understand the magnitude unless it's your child, your loved one, or yourself who has the problem.

We have already made an appointment to meet with a specialist in a couple of weeks to discuss his allergies and do more testing.  For some reason I keep hoping and praying maybe the blood test wasn't completely accurate.  It's probably wishful thinking and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the denial I am living in but really, there are lots of signs that make me wonder.  I've been reading a lot about allergy testing and so many articles I have read say that allergy testing before 2 years of age doesn't bring the most reliable results.  Also, tests can have false positives.  Thirdly, not to be rude but the staff at Children's Hospital, where we got the testing done, was SO unprofessional and scatterbrained that day that I'm beginning to wonder if they had their brains screwed in correctly as they took my son's vile of blood back to be tested.  Could someone have interpreted the results wrong? ....Again, you're seeing some of my *somewhat* irrational thoughts, but really I just want some answers.

Tonight as I began to think about this blog post a Kari Jobe song began to play.  I've heard it before and I've always loved it but tonight it really spoke to me.  I'm going to leave the lyrics below and a link to the song if you'd like to listen to it.

I'll just end with the fact that I know I am blessed.  I am so very thankful for the precious boy sleeping one room away from me right now.  I am thankful that he is healthy and growing and developing normally.  I am thankful that God chose me to be his mom - the joy he has brought me exceeds my expectations when I was pregnant with him.  I am thankful that he is active and smart and funny (yes, he's already becoming quite the little class clown at only *almost* 10 months old).  I am thankful to even have a child of my own.  For every negative thought that has raced through my mind this week, I can think of 10 blessings that are in my life tonight.  For that, I am thankful.  Once again, I'm going to remind myself of the fact that God loves Brayden even more than I do.  God knew about these allergies long before I ever did.  God's protection is far greater than mine, as a mother, will ever be.  God also already sees the outcome of this situation.  Maybe Brayden's next test results will prove that he's not quite as bad off as the blood tests say he is.  Maybe the next test results will show that Brayden is in fact very allergic to several things but in a few years he will outgrow some or all of them.  Or maybe Brayden will be highly allergic for his entire life.  Maybe I will have to change many aspects of our life as we know it. Maybe we won't be like other families in some ways and maybe Brayden won't be like other kids in some ways.  Maybe Brayden will have to learn to live with food allergies that could literally take his life.  One thing is certain, even when I have a hard time believing the ever so quiet voice in my head, God is in control and I am not alone!

I Am Not Alone

By Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul