The days when the baby is getting (what seems like) all of his teeth at the exact same time, you're running on 3 hours of sleep (if you're lucky), sickness is lurking around every corner and you'd give anything to just have a few moments of alone time. The days when nothing is going right, bad news and rough moments continue to make their way into your home and the only thing you truly want is to just go to bed and sleep through it. Those days are difficult and those days are the ones I like to look past.
But then there are the days when everything seems to go right, you feel like you've got this "being a mom" thing down and you can't imagine life without your little one(s). Most days are like this thankfully and tonight with Brayden was one of those nights where I couldn't help but get so overwhelmed by the love I have for him that it literally, hurt. In a good way.
Who knew, Motherhood could make your heart ache in such a good, wonderful, beautiful way.
One of Brayden's favorite things to do lately is go on walks. As soon as I say the "W" word his little eyes light up and he starts making the most precious little sounds only he can make to let me know that, yes, he in fact does want to go for a walk. So I buckled him up in the stroller and off we went, Christmas music playing from my phone. Every now and then he would look up at me and smile and my heart would ache with intense love for him.
When we got home, Kevin (who normally does the bath time/bedtime routine) was putting our Christmas lights up outside so I headed inside to start Brayden's bath. The "B" word just like the "W" word is a big deal in our house, as I'm sure it is in other babies homes as well. Brayden LOVES bath time. As I turned on the water and stripped him down I couldn't help but stare at his precious little baby body so smooth and perfectly chunky. I ached, knowing he wouldn't always be this little. This innocent. Soon it was time to get out which always causes some tears because the end of the bath time means the end of the world....obviously. But as I wrapped him up in a towel and held him close to me he laid his head against me as if to say, "Never put me down mommy!" Sometimes I wish I could hold him forever. I think back to when he was a day, a week, a month old and how often I did hold him and now only 10 1/2 short months later and I'm already holding him less and less. 10 months! How can he grow SO much in 10 months. My heart ached.
Lotion has never been a favorite thing for B. He squirms and wiggles (and cries and screams if it's a really hard night) but tonight was different. He quietly babbled away as I lotioned (is that a word?) him up memorizing all his precious little baby fat rolls and creases. PJ's came next and then we went to the bathroom to comb his baby soft hair. Hair that's getting more and more little curls with each passing month. Hair that I hope never changes color or loses those adorable waves.
Before it was time for Brayden to get his last feeding of the night, I said one of his other favorite words, "BOOKS" and with lots of giggles and squeals he leaned back against my chest as I read one of his favorites, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear". As I looked at his little legs stretched out across mine I began to think back to when his entire body could fit snuggled in one arm.
Soon it was bedtime but before I gave him his paci and blanket we said a prayer like always. Brayden laid his head on my shoulder and made soft little baby noises as I prayed for him to have a good night's sleep. As soon as he heard the "Amen" he lifted his head and grinned. He always grins when the prayer is over. It might be the cutest thing ever. I kissed him and laid him down and he stretched his arms up to my face as I leaned over his crib. I gave him several more kisses (because there can never be too many) and then turned off the light. He didn't cry or anything and I began to think how comforting it was for me (and for him) to know that he must feel pretty content, happy and safe to just lay in his dark room alone and put himself to sleep. I love knowing that all of his needs have been met for the evening and laying in bed by himself to wind down is something he's perfectly okay with doing.
Seriously, it was one of those nights I wish I could relive again and again. Brayden is at such a fun age right now. He's becoming so aware of everything around him, yet still SO dependent. He's learning so many things each day, yet still constantly needs me. He's starting to get the best personality and actually has moments of being silly (it cracks me up that such a tiny human knows how to be silly already).
As I stare at his sweet little body on the monitor as he lay stretched out in bed, my heart can't help but ache in the most wonderful way. I am so incredibly thankfully for this little boy that God blessed me with. How in the world do I deserve him?
It got me thinking about how incredibly loved we are as humans by our Heavenly father. How often does he look at us with a deep love that is truly indescribable. We cannot even fathom the love He has for us. As much as we experience love on this earth, it still will never compare to God's love for His people. The closest I have come to experiencing God's love is through the love I have for my son. This little boy who has done nothing in return for my love and has no idea how to love or what love even is, yet I can't help but love him more each day. So much love it causes my heart to ache. In the best way possible!
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