When Life Gets Messy, Scary and Overwhelming

If you don't like reading about people's feelings then you may want to go ahead and exit out of this blog post.  This post really isn't for anyone as much as it is for me.  All week long I've had millions (literally) of thoughts racing through my head - so many and so fast that I still haven't really even processed all of them. But tonight as I sit in a quiet house, with Brayden sound asleep, I felt it might help me to lay it all out a bit. If you stick with me through this post, well thanks! :-)

As some of you already know, on Tuesday of this week, I found out that Brayden has several very severe food allergies.  I knew this was a possibility since we did some allergy testing on him a couple weeks ago but I guess I never really believed it would be this bad.  I know it can always be worse!  I've heard people tell me that and I've reminded myself of that many times already but I also know that it's okay to feel sad and upset about rough times and disappointments in life.  Yes, someone always has it worse but that doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't matter.  Brayden's allergy to peanuts and cow's milk was off the charts.  When I heard that, my stomach dropped.  My first thought when I heard about the dairy allergy was "What in the world will I do for him for his 1st birthday smash cake?"  I know, that seems so trivial but it really was my first thought.  I know there are options out there for that but nothing tastes as good as a cake full of dairy, however he won't know the difference - you can't miss what you've never had.  When I heard we needed to get an epipen in our home immediately, I panicked.  Brayden was in the nursery as I talked to his pediatrician on the phone and I thought to myself, "No one back in the nursery knows what's going on, what if he comes in contact with dairy or peanuts right now??"  Again, it seems like a little tiny bit of an overreaction now but these are just the true honest thoughts I was having. I still occasionally feel like people may think I'm taking this too seriously and I'm sure there are people out there, who don't understand serious food allergies, that would probably agree with that.  But the fact of the matter is, if it was your child who could die if he put a certain food in his mouth, I guarantee you'd be feeling the same way.  Especially if it was several different foods.  Go check your pantry, let me know how many things in there are dairy and peanut free, how many things are made in peanut and nut facilities.  Everything has dairy in it these days.  As of now, my pantry is full of stuff Brayden can't have.

After hearing the news my thoughts very quickly turned to sadness, fear, and anger.  How does MY baby have allergies that could literally take his life if he comes in contact with certain foods?  What if I miss an ingredient when looking at food labels and give Brayden something he can't have?  Will I recognize the signs if he needs his epipen?  How will Brayden ever live a completely normal life having to avoid so many foods and having to worry about accidently coming into contact with one?  How will I be able to protect him when he goes to school and is on his own?  What if kids are mean and try to sneak Brayden things he can't have?  Why do stupid food allergies even exist...how ridiculous for someone to have to worry about a FOOD ITEM killing them!!!!  This has felt way scarier and more overwhelming then when I left the hospital with him at 2 days old and was expected to keep him alive.

The past few days have already made me so much more aware of people who deal with severe food allergies.  These past few days have also made me aware of just how clueless some people are about food allergies, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.  While waiting to pick up Brayden's epipen from Walgreens, I was holding him in my arms and the cashier behind the pharmacy desk said, "Oh poor baby is having an allergic reaction right now?"  I looked at her a little dumbfounded and responded, "Oh no, he's fine right now, but the epipen will be for anytime in the future if he does have a severe reaction."  I know that seems minor but it annoyed me.  How could this woman not know that an epipen was serious?  It wasn't just for little red bumps that pop up after taking a bite of a strawberry or a tiny little cough that tickles your throat every time you eat too much ice cream.  A food allergy is not the same as a food intolerance.  This epipen was my son's saving grace if he ever were to come in contact with peanuts or dairy.  I know she meant nothing by her comments but it still makes me wish more people were aware of how serious food allergies are.  It's impossible to fully understand the magnitude unless it's your child, your loved one, or yourself who has the problem.

We have already made an appointment to meet with a specialist in a couple of weeks to discuss his allergies and do more testing.  For some reason I keep hoping and praying maybe the blood test wasn't completely accurate.  It's probably wishful thinking and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the denial I am living in but really, there are lots of signs that make me wonder.  I've been reading a lot about allergy testing and so many articles I have read say that allergy testing before 2 years of age doesn't bring the most reliable results.  Also, tests can have false positives.  Thirdly, not to be rude but the staff at Children's Hospital, where we got the testing done, was SO unprofessional and scatterbrained that day that I'm beginning to wonder if they had their brains screwed in correctly as they took my son's vile of blood back to be tested.  Could someone have interpreted the results wrong? ....Again, you're seeing some of my *somewhat* irrational thoughts, but really I just want some answers.

Tonight as I began to think about this blog post a Kari Jobe song began to play.  I've heard it before and I've always loved it but tonight it really spoke to me.  I'm going to leave the lyrics below and a link to the song if you'd like to listen to it.

I'll just end with the fact that I know I am blessed.  I am so very thankful for the precious boy sleeping one room away from me right now.  I am thankful that he is healthy and growing and developing normally.  I am thankful that God chose me to be his mom - the joy he has brought me exceeds my expectations when I was pregnant with him.  I am thankful that he is active and smart and funny (yes, he's already becoming quite the little class clown at only *almost* 10 months old).  I am thankful to even have a child of my own.  For every negative thought that has raced through my mind this week, I can think of 10 blessings that are in my life tonight.  For that, I am thankful.  Once again, I'm going to remind myself of the fact that God loves Brayden even more than I do.  God knew about these allergies long before I ever did.  God's protection is far greater than mine, as a mother, will ever be.  God also already sees the outcome of this situation.  Maybe Brayden's next test results will prove that he's not quite as bad off as the blood tests say he is.  Maybe the next test results will show that Brayden is in fact very allergic to several things but in a few years he will outgrow some or all of them.  Or maybe Brayden will be highly allergic for his entire life.  Maybe I will have to change many aspects of our life as we know it. Maybe we won't be like other families in some ways and maybe Brayden won't be like other kids in some ways.  Maybe Brayden will have to learn to live with food allergies that could literally take his life.  One thing is certain, even when I have a hard time believing the ever so quiet voice in my head, God is in control and I am not alone!

I Am Not Alone

By Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul