When Motherhood Makes You Ache

You know those hard days of being a mom...

The days when the baby is getting (what seems like) all of his teeth at the exact same time, you're running on 3 hours of sleep (if you're lucky), sickness is lurking around every corner and you'd give anything to just have a few moments of alone time.  The days when nothing is going right, bad news and rough moments continue to make their way into your home and the only thing you truly want is to just go to bed and sleep through it.  Those days are difficult and those days are the ones I like to look past.

But then there are the days when everything seems to go right, you feel like you've got this "being a mom" thing down and you can't imagine life without your little one(s).  Most days are like this thankfully and tonight with Brayden was one of those nights where I couldn't help but get so overwhelmed by the love I have for him that it literally, hurt.  In a good way. 

Who knew, Motherhood could make your heart ache in such a good, wonderful, beautiful way.

One of Brayden's favorite things to do lately is go on walks.  As soon as I say the "W" word his little eyes light up and he starts making the most precious little sounds only he can make to let me know that, yes, he in fact does want to go for a walk.  So I buckled him up in the stroller and off we went, Christmas music playing from my phone.  Every now and then he would look up at me and smile and my heart would ache with intense love for him.

When we got home, Kevin (who normally does the bath time/bedtime routine) was putting our Christmas lights up outside so I headed inside to start Brayden's bath.  The "B" word just like the "W" word is a big deal in our house, as I'm sure it is in other babies homes as well.  Brayden LOVES bath time.  As I turned on the water and stripped him down I couldn't help but stare at his precious little baby body so smooth and perfectly chunky.  I ached, knowing he wouldn't always be this little.  This innocent.  Soon it was time to get out which always causes some tears because the end of the bath time means the end of the world....obviously.  But as I wrapped him up in a towel and held him close to me he laid his head against me as if to say, "Never put me down mommy!"  Sometimes I wish I could hold him forever.  I think back to when he was a day, a week, a month old and how often I did hold him and now only 10 1/2 short months later and I'm already holding him less and less.  10 months!  How can he grow SO much in 10 months.  My heart ached.

Lotion has never been a favorite thing for B.  He squirms and wiggles (and cries and screams if it's a really hard night) but tonight was different.  He quietly babbled away as I lotioned (is that a word?) him up memorizing all his precious little baby fat rolls and creases.  PJ's came next and then we went to the bathroom to comb his baby soft hair.  Hair that's getting more and more little curls with each passing month.  Hair that I hope never changes color or loses those adorable waves.

Before it was time for Brayden to get his last feeding of the night, I said one of his other favorite words, "BOOKS" and with lots of giggles and squeals he leaned back against my chest as I read one of his favorites, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear".  As I looked at his little legs stretched out across mine I began to think back to when his entire body could fit snuggled in one arm.

Soon it was bedtime but before I gave him his paci and blanket we said a prayer like always.  Brayden laid his head on my shoulder and made soft little baby noises as I prayed for him to have a good night's sleep.  As soon as he heard the "Amen" he lifted his head and grinned.  He always grins when the prayer is over.  It might be the cutest thing ever.  I kissed him and laid him down and he stretched his arms up to my face as I leaned over his crib.  I gave him several more kisses (because there can never be too many) and then turned off the light.  He didn't cry or anything and I began to think how comforting it was for me (and for him) to know that he must feel pretty content, happy and safe to just lay in his dark room alone and put himself to sleep.  I love knowing that all of his needs have been met for the evening and laying in bed by himself to wind down is something he's perfectly okay with doing.

Seriously, it was one of those nights I wish I could relive again and again.  Brayden is at such a fun age right now.  He's becoming so aware of everything around him, yet still SO dependent.  He's learning so many things each day, yet still constantly needs me.  He's starting to get the best personality and actually has moments of being silly (it cracks me up that such a tiny human knows how to be silly already).

As I stare at his sweet little body on the monitor as he lay stretched out in bed, my heart can't help but ache in the most wonderful way.  I am so incredibly thankfully for this little boy that God blessed me with.  How in the world do I deserve him? 

It got me thinking about how incredibly loved we are as humans by our Heavenly father.  How often does he look at us with a deep love that is truly indescribable.  We cannot even fathom the love He has for us.  As much as we experience love on this earth, it still will never compare to God's love for His people.  The closest I have come to experiencing God's love is through the love I have for my son.  This little boy who has done nothing in return for my love and has no idea how to love or what love even is, yet I can't help but love him more each day.  So much love it causes my heart to ache.  In the best way possible!

Goodbye Peanuts, Dairy and Eggs!

I'm.So.Exhausted!  Those are three words that keep rolling through my head today.  I'm exhausted because for the past almost 3 weeks since finding out about Brayden's food allergies I have not slept well at all.  Every single night I have had a dream about Brayden either having a horrible reaction to one of the foods he's allergic to or a doctor's visit discussing the allergies.  I can't seem to sleep all through the night because my brain is just constantly going and I wake up several times only to fall back asleep and dream the same things all over again.

Today Brayden had his very first allergist appointment.  He's starting to get to the age where he seems to know something is going on whenever we go to the doctor and today was no different.  He looked a little unsure when we walked in but one of the ladies was putting up and decorating the office Christmas tree and Brayden LOVED watching her hang the ornaments so that kept his attention while we were in the waiting room.  When we got called back they checked all his vitals and then we sat in the doctor's room for a few minutes where there was a huge mirror behind the patient table.  Brayden had so much fun looking at himself in the mirror.  So between the mirror and the paper on the table he was quite entertained.

Pretty soon after this picture was taken we got started on the skin testing.  The initial "pokes" were actually a lot faster than I was expecting.  For some reason I thought they were going to individually poke him over and over and over until they put all the samples onto his skin but they were able to give the "poke" with about 6 different samples at once several times.  I'm sure it didn't feel good getting poked with 6 different spiky ends about 4 times but it was better than 24 spikey ends individually.  Kinda like ripping a band aid off....just get it over with.  Anyway, my little guy is SO brave and strong.  He cried for the pokes but as soon as she was done he was totally fine.  It was pretty sad watching his face and little body flinch each time he got poked.  It also made a clicking noise that kind of startled me and I'm sure he wasn't expecting it either which didn't help things, but it was fast, so that's good.  Now the waiting 20 minutes part was a little challenging only because we had to be sure he didn't try to reach and scratch his back.  Thank goodness for the Will I Am Sesame Street "What I am" music video.  We watched it over and over and over and threw in a little "Elmo's Got the Moves" music video as well and then the test was done.

When the doctor saw that he really was allergic to Dairy we had to do two more pokes because she wanted to see if he was allergic to both proteins in Milk which, unfortunately, he is.  Soooooo the final diagnoses is that Brayden is highly allergic to peanuts, dairy, and eggs. We have 2 epi pens but plan to get a few more because I learned today that they really shouldn't be separated in case one fails if we ever need to use it.  He had a few reactions to some tree nuts but not all.  However since most of the time peanut and tree nut allergies go hand in hand and most companies that produce tree nuts also produce peanuts and vise versa, we're going to avoid all tree nuts as well, at least until he is older and can verbally tell us what he is feeling when eating something.  The skin test did show that Brayden doesn't seem to be allergic to wheat or soy which the blood testing said he was.  She said it was most likely a false positive so I am thankful for that.  We've already given him some wheat products and he hasn't had any reactions but I plan to introduce any products with soy very slowly just in case.  I'll take this as an answered prayer because lots of things have wheat in them as well....I'm glad that opens up his diet just a little bit.

I've cried many many tears over all of this already and honestly, I'm sure there will still be more to come.  But today I truly did feel a peace wash over me as we left the doctor's office.  Not because anything really changed and I didn't really hear anything that made me feel 100% better but it was nice getting this testing over with and being able to say we have answers.  A huge thank you to anyone who was praying for us, I really believe it helped and God has given me this peace today.

I keep thinking far into the future and Kevin keeps reminding me I can't do that.  I've thought about what it will be like for him when he starts school, when he goes Trick or Treating, when his class has holiday parties with yummy treats, when he starts dating, will he be known as the "allergy boy"?  I hope and pray that my fears (most of which stay in my head) do not ever become a reality.  I pray that my baby can have a normal life just like any other kid, just with a few changes here and there.  I'm scared for when I have to start talking to him about these allergies.  I want to find the balance between letting him know how very serious these allergies are but at the same time not scaring him and causing him anxiety.  He's such a normal and healthy little boy in every other way, I want him to know that and I want others to know that.

I have already learned so much about food allergies just in these past 2 1/2 weeks but I know there is still SO much out there to learn.  It scares me a little bit....who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT how uninformed people are about food allergies though.  I can't blame them, I mean I used to totally be uninformed and I'm sure I still am in some ways.  But I truly do wish more awareness could be made about food allergies.  I wish people knew that, most of the time, a food allergy and a food intolerance is not the same thing.  I want people to know and understand that if Brayden eats a peanut it wont just cause an upset tummy, it could literally kill him.  If he drinks some milk from another child's sippy cup or picks up a piece of cheese, he could stop breathing and die.  It sounds so scary and so harsh but it is the reality and it is why my life is about to totally transform.  Being a parent is already the hardest job around but add to that, parenting a child with a food allergy (multiple food allergies at that) and you've got yourself an extremely stressful and overwhelming job.  I just want my little boy to be safe and happy.  I want to feel at peace and comfortable when he's not with me.  I want to know that others are going to do everything in their power to make sure my little guy (and so many other children with food allergies) is safe.  This may take extra work, extra time, extra preparation but I do think he's worth it....all children are worth it.

Even though this isn't something I wish was happening and I would never wish this on someone else, I do have many reasons to be thankful.  I'm thankful that I have a healthy little boy who is SO full of life and curiosity. He is so much fun and gets more and more fun with each passing month.  I'm SO very thankful that we didn't have to find out about Brayden's allergies through a severe anaphylactic reaction.  I am thankful for modern medicine that can help protect my baby if (God forbid) he ever does accidentally eat one of his allergens.  For some reason God chose me to be his mom and I have to believe it wasn't by accident and that God will help me know exactly how to help Brayden through these struggles now while he is completely unaware and later on in his life when he is aware.  I pray that these allergies will not hold him back and that God will use him in so many ways.  I pray that Brayden will know how special he is.  I also pray that maybe just maybe, Brayden can be one of the 60-80% of children who outgrow dairy and egg allergies and one of the 20% who outgrows peanut allergies.  In the meantime I pray for wisdom, understanding, patience (lots and lots of patience) protection and that somehow, someway God will use a very scary situation for His good.  Right now, I'm not sure what will come from all of this but I know the One who is in control and I have to believe I can trust Him with Brayden's life....food allergies and all.