When Motherhood Makes You Ache

You know those hard days of being a mom...

The days when the baby is getting (what seems like) all of his teeth at the exact same time, you're running on 3 hours of sleep (if you're lucky), sickness is lurking around every corner and you'd give anything to just have a few moments of alone time.  The days when nothing is going right, bad news and rough moments continue to make their way into your home and the only thing you truly want is to just go to bed and sleep through it.  Those days are difficult and those days are the ones I like to look past.

But then there are the days when everything seems to go right, you feel like you've got this "being a mom" thing down and you can't imagine life without your little one(s).  Most days are like this thankfully and tonight with Brayden was one of those nights where I couldn't help but get so overwhelmed by the love I have for him that it literally, hurt.  In a good way. 

Who knew, Motherhood could make your heart ache in such a good, wonderful, beautiful way.

One of Brayden's favorite things to do lately is go on walks.  As soon as I say the "W" word his little eyes light up and he starts making the most precious little sounds only he can make to let me know that, yes, he in fact does want to go for a walk.  So I buckled him up in the stroller and off we went, Christmas music playing from my phone.  Every now and then he would look up at me and smile and my heart would ache with intense love for him.

When we got home, Kevin (who normally does the bath time/bedtime routine) was putting our Christmas lights up outside so I headed inside to start Brayden's bath.  The "B" word just like the "W" word is a big deal in our house, as I'm sure it is in other babies homes as well.  Brayden LOVES bath time.  As I turned on the water and stripped him down I couldn't help but stare at his precious little baby body so smooth and perfectly chunky.  I ached, knowing he wouldn't always be this little.  This innocent.  Soon it was time to get out which always causes some tears because the end of the bath time means the end of the world....obviously.  But as I wrapped him up in a towel and held him close to me he laid his head against me as if to say, "Never put me down mommy!"  Sometimes I wish I could hold him forever.  I think back to when he was a day, a week, a month old and how often I did hold him and now only 10 1/2 short months later and I'm already holding him less and less.  10 months!  How can he grow SO much in 10 months.  My heart ached.

Lotion has never been a favorite thing for B.  He squirms and wiggles (and cries and screams if it's a really hard night) but tonight was different.  He quietly babbled away as I lotioned (is that a word?) him up memorizing all his precious little baby fat rolls and creases.  PJ's came next and then we went to the bathroom to comb his baby soft hair.  Hair that's getting more and more little curls with each passing month.  Hair that I hope never changes color or loses those adorable waves.

Before it was time for Brayden to get his last feeding of the night, I said one of his other favorite words, "BOOKS" and with lots of giggles and squeals he leaned back against my chest as I read one of his favorites, "Brown Bear, Brown Bear".  As I looked at his little legs stretched out across mine I began to think back to when his entire body could fit snuggled in one arm.

Soon it was bedtime but before I gave him his paci and blanket we said a prayer like always.  Brayden laid his head on my shoulder and made soft little baby noises as I prayed for him to have a good night's sleep.  As soon as he heard the "Amen" he lifted his head and grinned.  He always grins when the prayer is over.  It might be the cutest thing ever.  I kissed him and laid him down and he stretched his arms up to my face as I leaned over his crib.  I gave him several more kisses (because there can never be too many) and then turned off the light.  He didn't cry or anything and I began to think how comforting it was for me (and for him) to know that he must feel pretty content, happy and safe to just lay in his dark room alone and put himself to sleep.  I love knowing that all of his needs have been met for the evening and laying in bed by himself to wind down is something he's perfectly okay with doing.

Seriously, it was one of those nights I wish I could relive again and again.  Brayden is at such a fun age right now.  He's becoming so aware of everything around him, yet still SO dependent.  He's learning so many things each day, yet still constantly needs me.  He's starting to get the best personality and actually has moments of being silly (it cracks me up that such a tiny human knows how to be silly already).

As I stare at his sweet little body on the monitor as he lay stretched out in bed, my heart can't help but ache in the most wonderful way.  I am so incredibly thankfully for this little boy that God blessed me with.  How in the world do I deserve him? 

It got me thinking about how incredibly loved we are as humans by our Heavenly father.  How often does he look at us with a deep love that is truly indescribable.  We cannot even fathom the love He has for us.  As much as we experience love on this earth, it still will never compare to God's love for His people.  The closest I have come to experiencing God's love is through the love I have for my son.  This little boy who has done nothing in return for my love and has no idea how to love or what love even is, yet I can't help but love him more each day.  So much love it causes my heart to ache.  In the best way possible!

Goodbye Peanuts, Dairy and Eggs!

I'm.So.Exhausted!  Those are three words that keep rolling through my head today.  I'm exhausted because for the past almost 3 weeks since finding out about Brayden's food allergies I have not slept well at all.  Every single night I have had a dream about Brayden either having a horrible reaction to one of the foods he's allergic to or a doctor's visit discussing the allergies.  I can't seem to sleep all through the night because my brain is just constantly going and I wake up several times only to fall back asleep and dream the same things all over again.

Today Brayden had his very first allergist appointment.  He's starting to get to the age where he seems to know something is going on whenever we go to the doctor and today was no different.  He looked a little unsure when we walked in but one of the ladies was putting up and decorating the office Christmas tree and Brayden LOVED watching her hang the ornaments so that kept his attention while we were in the waiting room.  When we got called back they checked all his vitals and then we sat in the doctor's room for a few minutes where there was a huge mirror behind the patient table.  Brayden had so much fun looking at himself in the mirror.  So between the mirror and the paper on the table he was quite entertained.

Pretty soon after this picture was taken we got started on the skin testing.  The initial "pokes" were actually a lot faster than I was expecting.  For some reason I thought they were going to individually poke him over and over and over until they put all the samples onto his skin but they were able to give the "poke" with about 6 different samples at once several times.  I'm sure it didn't feel good getting poked with 6 different spiky ends about 4 times but it was better than 24 spikey ends individually.  Kinda like ripping a band aid off....just get it over with.  Anyway, my little guy is SO brave and strong.  He cried for the pokes but as soon as she was done he was totally fine.  It was pretty sad watching his face and little body flinch each time he got poked.  It also made a clicking noise that kind of startled me and I'm sure he wasn't expecting it either which didn't help things, but it was fast, so that's good.  Now the waiting 20 minutes part was a little challenging only because we had to be sure he didn't try to reach and scratch his back.  Thank goodness for the Will I Am Sesame Street "What I am" music video.  We watched it over and over and over and threw in a little "Elmo's Got the Moves" music video as well and then the test was done.

When the doctor saw that he really was allergic to Dairy we had to do two more pokes because she wanted to see if he was allergic to both proteins in Milk which, unfortunately, he is.  Soooooo the final diagnoses is that Brayden is highly allergic to peanuts, dairy, and eggs. We have 2 epi pens but plan to get a few more because I learned today that they really shouldn't be separated in case one fails if we ever need to use it.  He had a few reactions to some tree nuts but not all.  However since most of the time peanut and tree nut allergies go hand in hand and most companies that produce tree nuts also produce peanuts and vise versa, we're going to avoid all tree nuts as well, at least until he is older and can verbally tell us what he is feeling when eating something.  The skin test did show that Brayden doesn't seem to be allergic to wheat or soy which the blood testing said he was.  She said it was most likely a false positive so I am thankful for that.  We've already given him some wheat products and he hasn't had any reactions but I plan to introduce any products with soy very slowly just in case.  I'll take this as an answered prayer because lots of things have wheat in them as well....I'm glad that opens up his diet just a little bit.

I've cried many many tears over all of this already and honestly, I'm sure there will still be more to come.  But today I truly did feel a peace wash over me as we left the doctor's office.  Not because anything really changed and I didn't really hear anything that made me feel 100% better but it was nice getting this testing over with and being able to say we have answers.  A huge thank you to anyone who was praying for us, I really believe it helped and God has given me this peace today.

I keep thinking far into the future and Kevin keeps reminding me I can't do that.  I've thought about what it will be like for him when he starts school, when he goes Trick or Treating, when his class has holiday parties with yummy treats, when he starts dating, will he be known as the "allergy boy"?  I hope and pray that my fears (most of which stay in my head) do not ever become a reality.  I pray that my baby can have a normal life just like any other kid, just with a few changes here and there.  I'm scared for when I have to start talking to him about these allergies.  I want to find the balance between letting him know how very serious these allergies are but at the same time not scaring him and causing him anxiety.  He's such a normal and healthy little boy in every other way, I want him to know that and I want others to know that.

I have already learned so much about food allergies just in these past 2 1/2 weeks but I know there is still SO much out there to learn.  It scares me a little bit....who am I kidding, it scares me A LOT how uninformed people are about food allergies though.  I can't blame them, I mean I used to totally be uninformed and I'm sure I still am in some ways.  But I truly do wish more awareness could be made about food allergies.  I wish people knew that, most of the time, a food allergy and a food intolerance is not the same thing.  I want people to know and understand that if Brayden eats a peanut it wont just cause an upset tummy, it could literally kill him.  If he drinks some milk from another child's sippy cup or picks up a piece of cheese, he could stop breathing and die.  It sounds so scary and so harsh but it is the reality and it is why my life is about to totally transform.  Being a parent is already the hardest job around but add to that, parenting a child with a food allergy (multiple food allergies at that) and you've got yourself an extremely stressful and overwhelming job.  I just want my little boy to be safe and happy.  I want to feel at peace and comfortable when he's not with me.  I want to know that others are going to do everything in their power to make sure my little guy (and so many other children with food allergies) is safe.  This may take extra work, extra time, extra preparation but I do think he's worth it....all children are worth it.

Even though this isn't something I wish was happening and I would never wish this on someone else, I do have many reasons to be thankful.  I'm thankful that I have a healthy little boy who is SO full of life and curiosity. He is so much fun and gets more and more fun with each passing month.  I'm SO very thankful that we didn't have to find out about Brayden's allergies through a severe anaphylactic reaction.  I am thankful for modern medicine that can help protect my baby if (God forbid) he ever does accidentally eat one of his allergens.  For some reason God chose me to be his mom and I have to believe it wasn't by accident and that God will help me know exactly how to help Brayden through these struggles now while he is completely unaware and later on in his life when he is aware.  I pray that these allergies will not hold him back and that God will use him in so many ways.  I pray that Brayden will know how special he is.  I also pray that maybe just maybe, Brayden can be one of the 60-80% of children who outgrow dairy and egg allergies and one of the 20% who outgrows peanut allergies.  In the meantime I pray for wisdom, understanding, patience (lots and lots of patience) protection and that somehow, someway God will use a very scary situation for His good.  Right now, I'm not sure what will come from all of this but I know the One who is in control and I have to believe I can trust Him with Brayden's life....food allergies and all.

When Life Gets Messy, Scary and Overwhelming

If you don't like reading about people's feelings then you may want to go ahead and exit out of this blog post.  This post really isn't for anyone as much as it is for me.  All week long I've had millions (literally) of thoughts racing through my head - so many and so fast that I still haven't really even processed all of them. But tonight as I sit in a quiet house, with Brayden sound asleep, I felt it might help me to lay it all out a bit. If you stick with me through this post, well thanks! :-)

As some of you already know, on Tuesday of this week, I found out that Brayden has several very severe food allergies.  I knew this was a possibility since we did some allergy testing on him a couple weeks ago but I guess I never really believed it would be this bad.  I know it can always be worse!  I've heard people tell me that and I've reminded myself of that many times already but I also know that it's okay to feel sad and upset about rough times and disappointments in life.  Yes, someone always has it worse but that doesn't mean what you're going through doesn't matter.  Brayden's allergy to peanuts and cow's milk was off the charts.  When I heard that, my stomach dropped.  My first thought when I heard about the dairy allergy was "What in the world will I do for him for his 1st birthday smash cake?"  I know, that seems so trivial but it really was my first thought.  I know there are options out there for that but nothing tastes as good as a cake full of dairy, however he won't know the difference - you can't miss what you've never had.  When I heard we needed to get an epipen in our home immediately, I panicked.  Brayden was in the nursery as I talked to his pediatrician on the phone and I thought to myself, "No one back in the nursery knows what's going on, what if he comes in contact with dairy or peanuts right now??"  Again, it seems like a little tiny bit of an overreaction now but these are just the true honest thoughts I was having. I still occasionally feel like people may think I'm taking this too seriously and I'm sure there are people out there, who don't understand serious food allergies, that would probably agree with that.  But the fact of the matter is, if it was your child who could die if he put a certain food in his mouth, I guarantee you'd be feeling the same way.  Especially if it was several different foods.  Go check your pantry, let me know how many things in there are dairy and peanut free, how many things are made in peanut and nut facilities.  Everything has dairy in it these days.  As of now, my pantry is full of stuff Brayden can't have.

After hearing the news my thoughts very quickly turned to sadness, fear, and anger.  How does MY baby have allergies that could literally take his life if he comes in contact with certain foods?  What if I miss an ingredient when looking at food labels and give Brayden something he can't have?  Will I recognize the signs if he needs his epipen?  How will Brayden ever live a completely normal life having to avoid so many foods and having to worry about accidently coming into contact with one?  How will I be able to protect him when he goes to school and is on his own?  What if kids are mean and try to sneak Brayden things he can't have?  Why do stupid food allergies even exist...how ridiculous for someone to have to worry about a FOOD ITEM killing them!!!!  This has felt way scarier and more overwhelming then when I left the hospital with him at 2 days old and was expected to keep him alive.

The past few days have already made me so much more aware of people who deal with severe food allergies.  These past few days have also made me aware of just how clueless some people are about food allergies, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.  While waiting to pick up Brayden's epipen from Walgreens, I was holding him in my arms and the cashier behind the pharmacy desk said, "Oh poor baby is having an allergic reaction right now?"  I looked at her a little dumbfounded and responded, "Oh no, he's fine right now, but the epipen will be for anytime in the future if he does have a severe reaction."  I know that seems minor but it annoyed me.  How could this woman not know that an epipen was serious?  It wasn't just for little red bumps that pop up after taking a bite of a strawberry or a tiny little cough that tickles your throat every time you eat too much ice cream.  A food allergy is not the same as a food intolerance.  This epipen was my son's saving grace if he ever were to come in contact with peanuts or dairy.  I know she meant nothing by her comments but it still makes me wish more people were aware of how serious food allergies are.  It's impossible to fully understand the magnitude unless it's your child, your loved one, or yourself who has the problem.

We have already made an appointment to meet with a specialist in a couple of weeks to discuss his allergies and do more testing.  For some reason I keep hoping and praying maybe the blood test wasn't completely accurate.  It's probably wishful thinking and I'm sure it has a lot to do with the denial I am living in but really, there are lots of signs that make me wonder.  I've been reading a lot about allergy testing and so many articles I have read say that allergy testing before 2 years of age doesn't bring the most reliable results.  Also, tests can have false positives.  Thirdly, not to be rude but the staff at Children's Hospital, where we got the testing done, was SO unprofessional and scatterbrained that day that I'm beginning to wonder if they had their brains screwed in correctly as they took my son's vile of blood back to be tested.  Could someone have interpreted the results wrong? ....Again, you're seeing some of my *somewhat* irrational thoughts, but really I just want some answers.

Tonight as I began to think about this blog post a Kari Jobe song began to play.  I've heard it before and I've always loved it but tonight it really spoke to me.  I'm going to leave the lyrics below and a link to the song if you'd like to listen to it.

I'll just end with the fact that I know I am blessed.  I am so very thankful for the precious boy sleeping one room away from me right now.  I am thankful that he is healthy and growing and developing normally.  I am thankful that God chose me to be his mom - the joy he has brought me exceeds my expectations when I was pregnant with him.  I am thankful that he is active and smart and funny (yes, he's already becoming quite the little class clown at only *almost* 10 months old).  I am thankful to even have a child of my own.  For every negative thought that has raced through my mind this week, I can think of 10 blessings that are in my life tonight.  For that, I am thankful.  Once again, I'm going to remind myself of the fact that God loves Brayden even more than I do.  God knew about these allergies long before I ever did.  God's protection is far greater than mine, as a mother, will ever be.  God also already sees the outcome of this situation.  Maybe Brayden's next test results will prove that he's not quite as bad off as the blood tests say he is.  Maybe the next test results will show that Brayden is in fact very allergic to several things but in a few years he will outgrow some or all of them.  Or maybe Brayden will be highly allergic for his entire life.  Maybe I will have to change many aspects of our life as we know it. Maybe we won't be like other families in some ways and maybe Brayden won't be like other kids in some ways.  Maybe Brayden will have to learn to live with food allergies that could literally take his life.  One thing is certain, even when I have a hard time believing the ever so quiet voice in my head, God is in control and I am not alone!

I Am Not Alone

By Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear

I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear

You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own

You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul

10 Things Motherhood Has Taught me (so far).

1. You realize pretty quickly that life is no longer all about you.

The night following Brayden's birth there were constantly nurses and doctors coming in and out of my room at all hours.  Did it matter that I had just pushed a human out of me? Or that I hadn't slept in over 24 hours?  Oh no....Brayden was #1 and making sure he was eating, pooping, peeing, had the right temperature, etc those were all the most important things.  Of course they did check on me every now and then too ;-)  Even now, Kevin and I no longer just throw on some clothes and go to breakfast together on a Saturday morning.  We also don't stay up super late anymore on a Friday night because sleep (whenever we can get it) trumps everything else.

2.  You wont always know exactly what to do...all of the time.

Throughout my pregnancy I had so many people tell me, "Oh, don't worry you'll just know" whenever I was anxious about something related to being a mom.  Sometimes that's absolutely true.  There are times I hear Brayden's cry and I know he's just frustrated, not hungry or tired.  Sometimes I know that he just wants mommy so I don't even bother asking Kevin to go pick him up.  But the whole motherly intuition thing isn't always true 100% of the time.  There are times I am absolutely clueless as to whether or not I am doing what is best for Brayden and that's where lots and lots of prayer comes in.  I know that God is fully able to help give me the intuition I need for every situation I face as a mom.  What a blessing!

3.  You will cry.  A lot!

No joke, I cry all of the time these days and I really wasn't that emotional/sentimental before I became a mom. I cry when I rock Brayden to sleep and thank God for giving him to me,  I cried when Brayden was waking up 3-4 times a night,  I cry when Brayden sleeps through the night because I so badly just want to go in and make sure he's okay but that would only result in more crying.  I cried in the first few months of breastfeeding.  I sometimes cry when he cries.  I also cry in just about every movie and TV show that's even slightly sentimental.  Crying is real.  Get used to it.

4.  You will become a Germaphobe.

I don't know how many times I've washed off pacifiers since Brayden was born.  I don't know how many times I've had Kevin wash off pacifiers since Brayden was born.  For such a little guy he can shoot that paci out of his mouth so fast and so far and once it hits the floor it's definitely contaminated by millions and trillions of germs in the 5 seconds it sat there...you know that right?! ;-)  I realize it seems crazy but as a first time mom I want CLEAN and if it's not CLEAN, I will make it clean.  Ask me how I'm doing with that by my second or third kid.  I hear pacifiers get licked off by mom once they hit the ground and that deems them "clean".  Shocking, I know! ;-) The paci scenario is only the beginning but I will admit that I have gotten better with this now that we are approaching month 6 of Brayden's life (don't mind the toys sitting in my kitchen right now waiting to be wiped down).

5. You will get mean when it comes to nap time!

I've always been the type who can sleep through just about anything so if Kevin was making noise or a salesman rang the doorbell or Dasher barked at a guy jogging down the road.....it didn't bother me. But now that I'm a mom it's whole different ballgame.  You are more than welcome in our home and if you come by for a visit you will be greeted and treated ever so kindly.  However, if Brayden has just fallen asleep for his nap you better believe I won't hesitate to turn the tv down to volume 5 (I'm sorry if you can't hear the dialog) or apologize that "no you may not use the ice maker for your water."  Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit....maybe.  But naps are serious business around here, especially when you have a baby who doesn't really even take good naps so on the rare occasion that he's been sleeping past his usual 30-45 minute mark, you better believe I will do anything in my power to not disturb him.

6. Say Goodbye to sleep.

Remember the days of sleeping in late on a Saturday morning?  Waking up in the middle of the night because you were thirsty not because a baby was crying for you?  Curling up in bed to watch Saturday Night Live and then drifting off to dreamland?  Yeah, me neither.  Even when Brayden has a wonderful night of sleep it's as if my mommy heart cannot allow me to fully go into the deep sleep I used to once enjoy.  I sleep with one eye (and ear) open these days.  I do occasionally gets little breaks here and there thanks to wonderful grandparents but even then it's not a guarantee I will be able to fall asleep, no matter how exhausted I am, because I'm thinking of all the millions of things I should be doing.  Goodbye sleep, you were so good to me.  And if you're one of the lucky ones who has a baby who never wakes at night AND takes amazing naps.....well, just wait 'til your second child, I hear all babies are different ;-)

7. If you were a worrier before, just wait!

Worrying has been taken to a whole new level since I became a mom.  Is he eating enough?  Is he eating too much?  Is he sleeping enough?  Is he sleeping too much?  Is he meeting milestones at the right pace?  Does he know how loved he is?  Am I spoiling him?  Am I being too tough?  Is he breathing?  Was that a "getting sick" cough or does he just have a tickle in his throat?  Is warm enough at night?  Is he overheated? Ahhhhhhh these are just a sampling of the thoughts that go through my mind each day.  I really do try to be laid back and I think I've done pretty good so far (most of these thoughts stay in my head, by the way, so at least I'm not bothering anyone else with my worrying, right?).  The point is, I've always worried about things that mean a lot to me and people who mean a lot to me, so of course the worrying would be even greater now that I am responsible for this little boy's life.

8.  You will compare yourself as a mom to other moms (even though you know you shouldn't).

This is a tough one.  I definitely don't want to be the type of person who's always wondering if I measure up but sometimes it's hard.  You see other mamas and can't help but wonder if their life is really that perfect.  Always cooking dinner (hi, I just made a frozen pizza).  Always cleaning the house (does wiping down the counter count as cleaning the house?).  Always making it to church and on time (we may or may not have driven to church and realized we were SO incredibly late, we turned right back around).  Always getting their babies to take naps (grrrrrrr).  Always doing cute projects (still trying to print out some photos for frames in Brayden's room that we've yet to even hang up).  I sometimes think that's a downfall of social media - you see all of the perfect things but not the messy things. Who wants to post messy things about their life?  But we've all got them.  I've shared several of mine in this blog alone ;-)  And if you've ever felt this way then you should read THIS.  God knew he wanted me to be Brayden's mommy and that should be all that matters.

9.  You slowly but surely begin to feel more confident

I've been working with kids since I was just a kid myself.  I started with little "mommy's helper" projects where I would just go watch someone's kids while they stayed at home and cleaned or cooked or whatever.  I really have always felt confident when it came to my experience with children. Until I had Brayden.  I became my own worst critic, always wondering if what I was doing was right. There is something soooo different about having your own child that nothing in the world can prepare you for.  Just the other night (after a rough day) Kevin and I were talking about how none of our friends probably understand why we don't make as many plans, or why we're late, or why we cancel, or why we're picky about times we are available, etc.  People say they understand and try to be supportive but to fully grasp it, is impossible.  And it's totally understandable, I was the same way.  I thought I understood the way a life changes when becoming a parent, but I really had no idea until I became one.  And even though lots of times I'm so confused and hoping I'm doing things right, I have slowly grown more confident in my role of being a mother.  You begin to realize that you have done a few things right.  You realize that your baby is growing and is healthy and happy.  You see that you've managed getting up at all hours of the night for months and you remember back to the first week when you felt like you would never make it one month, let alone 6 months.  Things get easier and the confidence grows.  Just keep swimming...

10. Just when you think you can't love him anymore....you do

There have been many times when I just stare at Brayden and wonder where all of this love has come from.  It's like no other.  I love my husband deeply.  I love my family with my whole heart.  I love and cherish my friends but the love that is felt for your child is impossible to describe.  I still can't even fathom all of the love I am able to pour into this baby boy!  I often daydream and think about what he will be like at 1 year, 5 years, etc.  I love that sometimes when he cries all he is wanting is for me to snuggle him close and rock him.  I love that when he sees me in the mornings I get the biggest grin and giggle and screams of excitement.  He's excited to see ME.  What an amazing feeling.  I love that my voice gives him a sense of peace and calm because it's the only voice he has truly always known since he was formed inside of me.

Becoming a mommy has been the best and absolute hardest thing that has ever happened to me. Brayden is approaching 6 months of life so I know I've still got a lot to learn.  I know that every stage of his life will bring new challenges but being a mom is like nothing else in the world.  Here's to all the years (and lessons) to come! :-)

Brayden's 4 Months Old!

I'm a bit behind on my blog posting.  Things have been pretty busy with me going back to work, the end of the school year and just having a baby in general.  The past 4 months have been some of the best (and hardest) of my life!



I can't believe my big guy is 4 months old.  On Thursday I took him for his check up and shots and he was such a trooper.  As always....he's seriously a great baby and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mommy.  Before he got his shots the nurse gave him a little "sugar water" and he started crying when taking that which I thought was weird because he typically doesn't mind taking medicine and at his 2 month appointment he didn't have a problem at all.  I think he's just becoming more and more aware of things these days.  After he drank that came the shots which brought on the tears.  Ugh, it's so hard having to watch him in pain and seeing the blood on his little chubby thighs.  I just rubbed his head and kept talking to him.  Soon it was all over and he was asleep in the car before we had gotten out of the parking lot.





 



My big guy is in the 96th% for height (27 inches) and weighs 16 pounds.  His little legs are getting chunkier and I couldn't be happier about that.  We are starting our 4th month of breastfeeding and I love knowing that I am giving him all of his nutrients.  He hasn't had any formula and I hope to keep it that way.  We will be starting rice cereal soon so that will be fun.  I've been letting him suck on a baby spoon here and there so that he starts to get use to what that is.  I'm really excited for the baby food phase.  Brayden is currently wearing 3-6 month and 6 month clothing as well as size 3 diapers.  We can still squeeze him into size 2 diapers if needed but 3's are best.  Brayden's eyes are still beautiful blue and his hair is slowly starting to grow back after he lost a lot of it.  Sometimes his hair looks brown, sometimes it looks blonde and other times it has a red tint to it.  I'm really curious to see what shade of hair this kid is going to have :-)



This past month Brayden let out his first little giggle while GaGa was tickling him and he also started getting his two bottom front teeth.  The teeth haven't come through yet but they are just sitting there, oh so close.  Come on little teeth!!  Brayden also has proven that he can sleep through the night for us.  He doesn't always choose to but I know he can.  I love what our pediatrician says: "We don't go back on milestones."  So this month we will be working on teaching Brayden to drink a lot of milk before bed because during the night is for sleep and not eating.  Also before anyone thinks I'm a mean mommy, Brayden is considered a big baby and is doing just fine in the food department :-)

 



This month Brayden made a new best friend and it's name is the Magic Merlin Sleepsuit.  No joke this thing is filled with magic.  Because of this sleepsuit Brayden has gotten some of his best sleep yet and so have Mommy and Daddy.  Brayden never really liked being swaddled.  He got to a point where he tolerated it but every single night when he would wake up it was this huge battle trying to get him to stay swaddled after he ate.  It was exhausting.  Enter Magic Sleepsuit.  As soon as we put his arms and legs into the giant marshmallow like suit, he is in Baby Heaven!  He gets all dreamy eyed and immediately starts talking to himself or just conks right out.  And if he wakes during the night it's soooo much easier getting him to go back to sleep.  I seriously wish I could meet the person who invented this thing.



Brayden rolled from back to belly 1 day before turning 4 months.  He was pretty proud of himself when he it happened, in fact it happened while at a friends house with lots of girl so I think he was showing off a bit :-)  Brayden has also started this new thing where he tries to scoot his knees under him while laying on his tummy.  He can't quite get it so I will help him and then he will push up with his arms.  He loves it!  We were doing that today and he would whine when I would stop.  I'm wondering if he might be an early crawler?  We'll see!



Brayden is such a happy little boy!  He loves music and books and his two favorite songs are "I love you a Bushel and a Peck" and "If You're Happy and You Know It".  He gets the biggest grin as soon as I start singing either one of those songs.  Brayden also LOVES hearing his name as well as hearing us spell his name.  Since he was born I've done this little chant with his name, spelling out his first, middle and last name.  He will just stare at me with the sweetest smile as I chant each letter.  I can't wait til one day he's saying and spelling his name with me :-)

 

 

 



Brayden is a good snuggler, especially for nap time.  He is NOT a fan of his crib at nap time unfortunately but I'm really working with him on this.  He's getting a little better but has been going through a phase of only taking 30 minute naps.  I'm hoping he'll get better at taking naps this summer since I'll be home with him all of the time to help train him.  I would be happy with just one good nap a day.  It's hard to start anything around the house with only 20-30 minutes here and there.

I can't wait to see what next month has in store.  My favorite part of this little baby growing up is seeing his personality begin to shine through.  My heart is full, Brayden Luke, all because of you!



2 Month Update and Brayden's Favorites!

2 months!! WHAT!!  When I think about how baby B is 2 months old part of me knows he's still just a little baby but at the same time I can't believe how fast these 2 months have gone that it makes me a little sad that he's growing up so quickly.  Time really does FLY!

Brayden is such a good baby!  I know I'm biased but he truly is.  He has been sleeping in his crib for about a month now and just within the past 2-3 weeks he is able to put himself to sleep.  Sometimes he will kick his feet in his swaddle, sometimes he tries to break his arms free for a while but he never cries.  He just does his thing and within 10-15 minutes he's out like a light (sometimes sooner if he's super exhausted).  Tonight Kevin said, "Do you realize by the time we get Brayden doing all the things we want him to be doing, we'll probably have another baby and have to start all over?" ummmm don't even go there Mr. Hull!  Getting Brayden to sleep in his crib and self soothe himself to sleep has definitely been one of the most challenging things so far.  It would be so easy for me to just snuggle him up in bed all night long but I know in the long run his crib and his room is the best place for him.  I'm really proud of him!

Brayden is also quite the little smiley guy!

(This is him while we were looking at that little book to the left, which he loves)

I can pretty much get him to smile whenever unless he's already upset and crying about something.  Even after his 2 month shots, he cried in my arms for a few minutes and then as I was buckling him into his carseat he gave me the ever so slightest grin as if to say, "I'm okay Mom!" :-)  His smiles melt my heart and he has a little twinkle in his eyes that will win me over every time!

When he's not smiling, we're getting faces like this

Or this

Brayden has just recently started LOVING chewing and sucking on his fingers.  He has even pulled his paci out, held it in one hand and used the other hand to suck on.  It gets pretty slobbery but it's slobbery goodness :-)

We're working on not sticking them SO far back that we gag.

If you step into our home you'll hear lots of cooing coming from Little B.  He really enjoys talking to me and Kevin and sometimes I think he thinks he's really saying something.  Again, too adorable!  Brayden is also spending more time on his tummy.  He used to love it and would just fall right to sleep but now that he is getting better at holding his head up, he's realizing that being on his tummy is actually work and not just lounge time, so there's lots of screaming.  He hasn't rolled over yet but I think one day soon he'll get mad enough and do that, he seems really close.

B is 12 pounds 10 oz and 24 1/2 inches long.  He's a tall baby boy.  His height is in the 90th percentile and Kevin's keeping his fingers crossed for a basketball star.  When baketball is on tv Brayden is always transfixed....just saying :-))

Brayden LOVES books and being read to.  A few of his favorites are:

Brayden is FINALLY liking his swaddle.  Took him long enough!  I will say, if he's not tired, he won't put up with his swaddle, but if he's nice and sleepy then he doesn't mind it.  In fact there have been nights when he is crying and as soon as I start getting him all swaddled up, he will smile at me and completely calm down.  I tried TONS of swaddles but the one that really seemed to work for him is the Halo SleepSack Swaddle similar to this one:

His arms and belly are nice and cozy but he's able to kick those feet just like he wants.

Just like swaddling was a struggle, finding a paci for Brayden was challenging too.  He just couldn't keep any of them in his mouth until we started using the NUK.  

He still loses it occasionally especially once he falls into a really deep sleep but for the most part he's good at keeping it in his mouth.

Last but not least....the FLUTES, Brayden is all about them!  We have flutes playing quite frequently in our home and in the car.  What can I say, he keeps us well rounded when it comes to music ;-)

Brayden is just the best thing that's happened to me.  I sometimes can't imagine loving him anymore than I already do.  It's definitely a love like no other!  Here's to my big 2 monther!

One Month Has Come and Gone...

One month of cuddling.

One month full of kisses.

One month of pulling all nighters together.

One month since we welcomed this precious baby into the world and into our lives.  He has certainly changed things for the better in so many ways.  It's only been 28 days with a baby in the house yet I can't seem to remember what life was like without him.

I know I showered and slept more often.  I went out to eat A LOT more and left the house to run errands more frequently.  I thought about myself much more and worried about trivial things too often.  I cleaned the house more and was always caught up on my favorite tv shows.  I saw my friends more and planned weekend activities much easier.

I also know I was missing a part of my heart that only this little guy could fill.  I didn't get near as many snuggles as I do now and my arms were so very empty all of the time.  My thoughts have now changed from all about me to all about him.  My trivial worries have turned into worries regarding this tiny little helpless human that needs me.  All of the time.

Some might say my "life" is over but really it has just begun.  It's only been one month with this angel but I daydream about the days, weeks, months and years to come.  I look forward to the future with the son that God has blessed me with.  I feel myself transforming into a different person in so many ways that can only happen when becoming a mother.  I am so very grateful for my sweet Brayden Luke and I thank God each day for entrusting me to be his mommy while he is on this earth.  What a huge blessing and honor to know God wanted ME to love on this little boy and call him my own.  I pray he grows in the Lord always.

Happy 1 Month little man!  I love you more than words can even describe!

The Birth Story of Brayden Luke

Looking back now, Friday was when I experienced my first signs whatsoever that I might be possibly bringing my sweet baby boy into the world soon.  I had been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions for about the last two months off and on.  They were never painful but definitely noticeable especially after a day teaching four and five year olds.  But on this day I noticed that when my stomach would tighten it wasn't just noticeable but rather it brought on a few moments of tension.  It was almost as if I had the wind knocked out of me for a split second and I needed to catch my breath a bit.  I also experienced the most energy I could remember in about seven days.  I was exhausted all week long and didn't want to do anything except lay on the couch.  It almost felt like I was coming down with some illness.  Friday was different though.  I got up, showered, got ready and spent the day with my mom having lunch and shopping.  I had this huge urge to shop for baskets so I could organize some things at home.  Once I started thinking about the baskets I started thinking how our bedroom still needed to be painted, oh and our bathroom too.  Well and if we were going to do all of that soon I really wanted to look for a new comforter for the bed to match the new colors.  Y'all my dreams, two days before my due date, were out of hand ;-)  I ended up satisfying my desires by buying a few good baskets at Ross and got to work on some simple projects once I got home that afternoon.

Friday night Kevin and I went out to dinner but it was much later than normal since the traffic coming home from work was so bad for Kevin that night.  I remember not really having much of an appetite but rather this strong feeling that I really wanted to be alone with Kevin and enjoy a nice meal together.  So, we headed to a nice Italian restaurant close by.  The wait for a table was crazy long and Kevin mentioned just going somewhere else but that idea didn't sound so good to me.  The thought of sitting at a candlelit table and just enjoying dinner, no matter how long it took, was really what I wanted.  Turns out this would be our last meal together before becoming "Mommy and Daddy" :-)

Later that night Kevin went and got in bed before I did, which never happens unless he is sick.  I would have joined him but there were things to be done.  I straightened up the living room, loaded some dishes in the dishwasher and just made myself feel good about the front living area of our home.  Soon I went and hopped in bed around 11:00 and fell right to sleep.  Had I known that tomorrow would be the birth of my son, I would have gone to bed at 8:00.

At 2:30 am I woke up with a super tight belly and what I thought was just a Braxton Hicks contraction.  I got up to go to the bathroom and came back to bed and around 2:38 my belly was tightening again but this time it was pretty uncomfortable and I noticed the pain was wrapping around to my back.  I started timing it just to be sure an d it last about 1 minute and the next one came on 17 minutes later.  This pattern continued for about an hour.  Then close to 4:00 am the pain was lasting 1 minute and each contraction was 10 minutes apart.  Around 5:00-6:00 am the pain lasted 1 minutes and the contractions jumped around between 10 minutes apart, 6 minutes apart, 8 minutes apart, 5 minutes apart, etc.  The only thing I had always read was that the pain should get longer, stronger and have less "breaks" in between so I was trying to watch for that.  At 6:00 am I woke Kevin and told him that today could be the day.  15-20 minutes later and BAM the pain felt like it suddenly got way worse out of nowhere. I noticed I was now sweating with each contraction and I didn't like hearing Kevin's voice during that time....sorry babe!  ;-)  He was great about being close but staying quiet while I experienced each contraction.  I sent a text to my parents and Kevin's mom just to give them a heads up and from about 6:30 am things started to move very quickly and became much more intense.

I decided I was going to take a shower to see if the warm water would help me a bit.  In a way it did but I still experienced several contractions back to back in the short time I was in there.  I remember getting super nauseous and feeling like I might pass out so I hurried the shower along and got out.  I threw some clothes on but not before crawling to my dresser because it literally hurt way too much to walk.  At this point I think Kevin began to realize that was for real and he better get a move on if he wanted to join me in this process ;-)

We left the house around 7:00 and I remember thinking, this is not what I expected.  I did not plan for this pain to happen SO fast and SO much of it all at once.  Everything I read talked about how it was very common for first time moms to spend up to 12 hours in the first stage of labor and that thankfully this stage was the easiest in the sense that I would be most comfortable at home.  Ummmm NO!  I was not comfortable at home, I could  not get comfortable anywhere.  How could I be in the first stage of labor and experience this much pain....was I just a wimp???  What was going on???  Why was this not going like I had thought?? ("Many are the plans in a person's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~Proverbs 19:22)

We live about 45 minutes from our hospital and in a way it was the fastest drive of my life and in another way it was the slowest drive of my life.  One thing was for sure, being in the car was my worst point yet.  Not being able to move at all and being confined to my seat with a seat belt was miserable!  At one point I pulled on the sun visor in desperation for some relief and we heard a loud CRACK.  I didn't break it off but definitely loosened it quite a bit ;-)

We finally made it to the hospital and Kevin dropped me off at the front.  I was a mess, hair in my face and my shoe fell off as I was getting out of the car so I had to bend down to pick it up which brought on a contraction right at that moment.  As I hunched over trying to reach for my shoe and breathe through the pain at the same time I contemplated just laying under the car and letting Kevin drive over me to find a park spot.  Just kidding.....but really.

I went inside and not one single person was around except for a sweet young nurse who had just gotten off the elevator.  Thank the Lord for her.  She immediately rushed a wheel chair over to me and waited with me for those long, but really very short, seconds that Kevin was parking the car.  I saw Kevin running inside, she wished us luck and we were off.  We got on the elevator (which the doors were broken and kept opening and closing several times before it finally took us up....THAT was annoying) and headed up to the 7th floor.  I remember thinking that I was going to be SO mad if I was not able to be admitted yet.  I started panicking in my mind as I thought about how we would have to drive all the way back home and continue this whole thing there.  Looking back it is kind of funny because clearly that was NOT happening considering what I was experiencing but this being my first baby, I just had no idea if I was just a huge wimp and maybe wasn't really experiencing the worst of it yet.

When we got to labor and delivery Kevin had to answer a few questions and my nurse, Kris (who I absolutely love and seriously considered asking her to be my BFF and come home with me at the end of all of this) wheeled me to my room.  She had me put on a gown which was an awful moment.  It felt like the biggest struggle of all time to do anything.  Literally small tasks seemed like huge mountains ahead of me that I needed to climb.

When I had the gown on I went and laid on the bed and she wanted me to lay on my back to check me and I think that was the first moment I truly cried.  Laying on my back hurt SO BAD!  I literally could not do it.  She found a way to get what she needed without me having to lay completely flat and that's when I heard her say, "Oh, wow!  You are just about complete and I can feel baby's head.  Did you say this is your first baby?  Really?"  I remember thinking, "ummm Nurse Kris?  Did you just say you could FEEL my child's head?  Fully dilated?  Doesn't that mean we are super close to pushing which means I will have a baby in my arms very soon??  What?!?!"

At this point the weirdest thing began to happen...my body just started to naturally push, completely on its own.  It was an out of body experienced because nothing I could do would make the pushing stop.  Kris told me to push if I absolutely needed to but just not with all my might.  Soon the wonderful man with the epidural showed up and thank the Lord he did because I needed it very badly.  Looking back, I probably could have gone through the pushing without an epidural considering how far I had already come with no pain meds but I don't think I had truly breathed in several hours and I really really REALLLYYY wanted one.

One thing that I haven't mentioned is that I tested positive for the Group B Strep back around 36 weeks.  I still needed to get some antibiotics in me as a precaution to protect the baby.  For the last month I feared I would have a fast labor and wouldn't have enough time for the meds and now it seemed to be happening.  I started to get scared wondering if my sweet boy would come out okay without the full dosage of antibiotics going in me.  Kris continued to reassure me that it would be okay and they would monitor him closely afterwards.  I tried to believe her and just kept praying, "Please let Brayden be okay" over and over in my mind.

Once the epidural was in I was able to talk, smile, not think about being run over by a car....it was truly wonderful.  Around 10:00 am Kris checked me and said we would be pushing very soon.  She explained to me how to push and at 10:15 am we got going.  I had no idea what I was doing really but Kris and Kevin just kept cheering me on telling me how great I was doing.

At 10:40 am Kevin and I asked her if she could predict when she thought Brayden would be born and she said, "Ohhh I always love trying to guess...I'm going to say 11:00."  She said that if I just continued to push the way I had been, we would do it just a few more times and then she would get the doctor.  Sure enough around 10:55 she got the doctor and at 11:00 am (good guess Kris) my sweet Brayden Luke was born.  He came out screaming.  No worries whether or not he could breathe because he was still halfway inside of me and was trying to cry.  I remember the doctor laughing and suctioning his mouth as fast as she could because, "this baby has some lungs!!".

 Brayden was immediately put on my chest and everything else is kind of a blur.  I remember feeling the happiest I have ever felt in my entire life.  I remember feeling like I could do that 5 more times if it meant experiencing this one moment.  I remember thinking how good and perfect and awesome God is to bring this baby into my life.  No way do I deserve him!  In the moments that I held Brayden for the first time it's almost as if I had flashbacks from the time I found out I was pregnant back in May all the way up to this moment now.  Brayden was in my arms...slippery and slimy and screaming his head off.  It was the most perfect, wonderful, beautiful, amazing moment I have ever experienced and I will truly never forget it.

Kevin cut the cord and went over to be with Brayden as he was weighed and measured.  He was still screaming and I just laid in bed watching my husband hold Brayden's hand, whisper to him, rub his head, etc.  I loved watching him and I think I fell in love with him even more in those moments.

Doctors and nurses continued to keep a close eye on Brayden but at that moment he was doing well.  My mommy heart could just explode with love every time time I look at him.  I can't believe I actually brought this baby into the world.  It's so surreal.  I feel so proud of myself as I'm sure all women do after they give birth.

My favorite part about all of this is that Brayden is mine.  I don't have to hand him over to someone else at the end of each day.  He is all mine and I wouldn't change him or trade him for anything!