Life After Loss

Did you know October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?  I actually didn't know that and found that out the day before my baby would be taken from me.  How ironic life is sometimes...

This blog post may be a bit all over the place since that's how my thoughts are currently but I really did want to write things out.  Writing is so therapeutic for me and even if it's a jumbled mess I know it's something I will look back on one day and be happy that I have.  So, like I say for most of my blog posts, if you stick with me and read this whole thing, thanks!  I actually wrote this post yesterday after the D&C procedure.  I added little bits here and there all throughout the day but was unsure if I wanted to post it or not.  Well here it goes...

I've been in and out of sleep for many hours today.  That anesthesia is some powerful (and wonderful) stuff.  I was incredibly nervous before going into the hospital but honestly the emotional pain I am having to endure is way worse than the nerves, worry, and physical pain I have experienced.  My doctor was beyond amazing and it's really no surprise that he would be.  He's the same doctor who delivered me when I was born and the same doctor who cared for me during the 9 months that Brayden was growing inside of me.  Kevin and I talked after Brayden was born that we would need to find a new doctor for our next baby because Dr. Roberts and Medical City are just way too far from our house considering how quickly I labor and the fact we were told our 2nd child would most likely come even faster than Brayden.  But 2 months ago when I got that positive pregnancy test there was something deep inside of me saying, "Don't switch doctors yet!  Just wait until you're past the 1st trimester."  The drive is a pain but Dr. Roberts is so compassionate and I had this tugging at my heart telling me I would want him as my doctor for this pregnancy, even if for only some of it.  I now totally see why.  I can't imagine having gone through this with a brand new doctor who I knew nothing about.

This pregnancy was short.  It was nothing like my pregnancy with Brayden.  I felt different emotionally and physically for the entire 9 weeks and I just chalked it up to, "Oh every pregnancy is different" and "Leah, you're just a worry wart, calm down!"  But I guess my intuition was right this whole time.  When I went in for my very first appointment at 5 weeks I was expecting to see nothing.  I really was in denial that I was pregnant and something from the start just didn't feel right.  But low and behold, small as it may have been, there definitely was something going on inside of me.  I returned two weeks later and received the only picture I'll have of this little baby.  It's just a blob and I have no idea what to make of it but I don't really care, I'll keep it forever.  At that appointment (7 weeks) we saw the heartbeat on the screen.  I was relieved, yes, but something still didn't feel right.  Chances of a miscarriage drop drastically once a heartbeat is detected.  So I had that to lean on but still, I just felt negative inside.  Before we left that day my doctor told us all was well and he would see us again in 2 weeks.  I realized he never even told me the heartrate of the baby and I was curious why.  I asked him, he shared with me what it was and then said, "You know, it's a bit low but I'm not overly concerned about it.  We'll just keep an eye on it.  It's still so early."  Unfortunately he didn't have to keep an eye on it for long at all.  Baby most likely passed just a few days after that appointment, however my body continued to carry it and act like I was pregnant for 2 more weeks.  The nausea never went away, the exhaustion was definitely still there, the cravings lingered (lemon and citrus everything) and my tummy started to get a little bit of a bump.  I lost a lot of weight during the time I breastfed Brayden so I could definitely tell when my stomach started to poke out so early on this time around.  I loved it though!  There's nothing like starting to show when you are pregnant.  It's the only time in the world where you love the fact that your clothes are getting tighter.  But when you have nothing to show for it anymore and what once was a wonderful reminder of a baby growing is now a reminder of the baby that is no more, suddenly it becomes hard to look at in the mirror and all you want to do is figure out how to get the weight off and get to your old skinny jeans.

Two days before my 9 week appointment some things were going on and I just felt it best to call my doctor and let him know.  I'm a worrier, so I always feel like I'm making a big deal about nothing when I make decisions like this.  Dr. Roberts called me back pretty quickly and told me he would squeeze me in that afternoon if I wanted to stop by.  So I dropped Brayden off at my wonderful mother in law's house (one of his favorite places to be) and headed to the hospital.  As I sat in the waiting room I just couldn't help but feel a sense of peace yet also a sense of knowing something was not good.  It was a weird mixture of feelings.  I immediately was seen by Dr. Roberts and then was sent for my ultrasound next door.  As I lay down and looked up at the screen I knew right away the baby was gone.  The lady doing the sonogram was looking and measuring other things before checking the baby but all I could focus on was the my little one on the screen.  The first thing I noticed was that fast little flicker of a heartbeat that I saw two weeks before was no more and baby looked even smaller than the first time I saw him/her.  I learned that once a baby dies in the womb during the first trimester it begins to shrink as rapidly as it would have grown.  She didn't have to tell me because I already saw but that's when she said she couldn't find the heartbeat and baby was measuring way behind.  And that was that.  She looked at me with sympathetic eyes, which I'm sure she puts on for every woman who has to sit in her office and go through this, apologized and then game me my next instructions.  No laughter or joking of the little blob on the screen like last time, no picture printed out and handed to me of the little baby that would immediately be put on the fridge at home.  Nothing like how it should be.  How you hope it will be.  It was so dreamlike.  But a very horrible dream that I hope to never experience again.

I met with Dr. Roberts right after and he was very comforting and allowed me to talk and tell him all about how I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy from the start.  He just listened and I'm sure he's heard it all before.  Then we began to talk about the procedure I would need to have since my body was clearly not getting rid of this baby any time soon even though I was most definitely not pregnant anymore.  I left his office and called Kevin first and then shared the news with other family and friends.

It's amazing how our plans change in an instant.  Sunday afternoon Kevin and I were talking all about the busy week we had coming up.  Several nights where he would be coming home super late, or needing to eat dinner fast so he could rush off to something he had planned.  We had a long allergy appointment for Brayden that was planned for Tuesday and I was dreading that (he hasn't outgrown any allergies either. Super!).  We were both kind of dreading the week but now I would take all of those simple daily stresses over the way this week has turned out.  All the things we had planned are no more, we haven't been to work and nothing has gone the way we thought it would.  Just a reminder how quickly like can go from good and wonderful to difficult and depressing.

When I start to get sad over this baby (which is off and on randomly all throughout the day) I feel Satan telling me to cut it out and move on with life.  I feel crazy for grieving over something I never even met.  I think about women who have been through far worse with their babies.  Women who have carried their babies full term only to lose them.  And here I am sad and mourning the loss of a teeny tiny baby who didn't even have a name yet.  I know that's Satan talking.  Deep down inside I know this baby was still a life and created by God.  Satan wants me to feel even worse than I already do so of course he attacks my heart and makes me feel ridiculous for feeling so sad.  The emotions I feel are so very real but they are also unique and unless you have been through this kind of pain, you have no idea what it's like.  I'm still wearing the hospital bracelets they put on me before the D&C this morning.  Kevin keeps asking me when I'm going to take them off and honestly, I don't know.  I'm not sure why I'm still wearing them.  It's like a reminder that all of this was real and something I don't want to forget except part of me DOES want to forget it.  It's strange.

As I was waiting for my procedure to start this morning I began thinking about how quickly you turn into "mommy mode" when finding out you are pregnant.  As soon as a woman becomes pregnant I believe God starts preparing her heart just as quickly as he is preparing her body for the child.  It's amazing the dreams you can have and the plans you can make when you're just barely pregnant.  You instantly love this little one inside of you and this baby is the one you want.  That's why I keep saying to myself, "I wanted THIS baby!  This is the baby I wanted to carry for 9 months and meet at the end".  So yes, this might lead to another wonderful child who I will love more than anything but for now I wish the baby in heaven was still inside of me.

It's amazing how quickly I stopped feeling pregnant once the baby was out of me.  My stomach just feels different than it did for the last 9 weeks.  It's hard to explain but it just doesn't feel pregnant anymore.  My nausea is also gone.  Night time was the worst time for me as far as feeling nauseous but now it's completely gone.  It's almost as if I never was even pregnant.  Like a dream that I'm waking up from.

I have been so thankful for all of the comments, messages, texts, phone calls, etc. that I have received.  I have heard from a lot of people I never expected to hear from, it's been a surprise.  I also have not heard from a few people who I really thought I WOULD hear from.  It's weird how things work out like that.  I try not to dwell on those people but it does cause my mind to wonder why.  Why don't people say things to others when they know they are hurting?  Why do some people just ignore bad things as if they didn't even happen?  One thing is for sure, this experience has made me so much more mindful of others who are grieving and how just a simple word, message, or gesture can make all of the difference.

I'm so thankful for Kevin's mom who stayed with Brayden most of the day today during my procedure and the time I was resting at home, as well as for her willingness to watch him with just a moments notice on Monday when I needed to head to my doctor's office.  I also woke up this afternoon to some roast in the crock pot and a pumpkin, flowers and Fall candle on the kitchen table :-)

Thank you to my brother for coming to sit in the waiting room with Kevin at 6AM during my procedure.  He didn't have to do that but we are so thankful that he did.  Also thank you to Nathan and Crystal for bringing us dinner.  I'm so thankful they just said "We're bringing you dinner!" rather than asking and giving me a chance to say "No, don't worry about it."  It's a huge relief to not have to worry about something as simple as eating.  It's not simple when you're hurting and it's the last thing you want to think about.

I'm thankful for doctors and nurses.  I am reminded how important and wonderful they are.  I believe they are sometimes overlooked until we truly need them and must rely on them for our safety and healing.  I am so thankful for the good ones we have and their willingness to take care of others and make us feel comfortable and at ease during scary situations.

I'm thankful for my boy!  I find myself just staring at how perfect he is and I am filled with complete awe in how God works to give us our babies.  All babies born are truly miracles.  Every single thing must line up perfectly and when it does it's the most wonderful thing on earth.  I am so blessed that Brayden is healthy and happy and growing and mine.  I can't imagine going through this pain and not having an active toddler running around full of joy distracting me. 

I'm sad he wont wear the big brother shirt we already bought for him (at least not right now) and I'm sad we wont be taking pictures of him to announce this baby at the end of October like we had planned.  I'm sad I can't post some of the first pictures we took of him holding the sonogram.  I mean, I guess I could because they are pretty adorable but there's just no point anymore.  It just stinks.

Last but definitely not least I'm so very thankful for Kevin.  He has stepped up as a husband and father in so many ways during the past 4 days.  I am reminded why I fell in love with him and why he is the one I chose to do life with.  He's sad too.  He has lost a child as well and all the dreams and hopes that go along with it.  His sadness is different from mine but also very much the same yet he has taken on a lot these past 4 days to help keep our family afloat.

Part of me has this urge to get pregnant again right away and another part of me never wants to get pregnant again for fear that this will keep happening.  I'm not sure I can handle going through all of this more than once.  Once was enough.  Once was too much!  But now we wait.  After every storm is a rainbow.  So we will wait for ours...our rainbow baby.

Brayden's 18 Month Happenings

My boy turned 18 months on Sunday and for some reason this one just sounds so big.  He's slowly but surely changing from my little baby boy to my big boy.  There are so many things about him that are so special, I couldn't possibly list them all.  Each day I feel like I notice something new that he's doing and just want to immediately write it down so I'll never forget.  I'm sure there's already things that have happened since he turned 1 that I've already forgotten about but better late than never.  I really hope to look back on this blog one day and reminisce over this special time in his (and my) life.

Brayden is on the go all.the.time.  He rarely ever sits still and when he does you know he's either getting sick or something isn't right.  At about 15 months he started trying to run and he's pretty much got it down now.  It's probably the cutest little run ever and he is FAST!  I go to bed completely exhausted but it's a good exhausted.  I love watching him learn and explore every little thing around him.  Some of his big interests lately are finding rocks (still....he's been doing this for months now) and he even has his own little rock box collection thanks to his Mimi.  We literally have to keep rocks out of his view if we don't have time to stop and let him explore otherwise we hear, "rock rock rock pease, rock" over and over until we give in.

Brayden also loves coloring and writing.  He will get his little notepad and take it all over the house with either crayons or a pencil and scribble all over it.  Sometimes he'll bring me something to write with as well and say, "clawlor" for "color".  Of course how can I say no to that? :)

He repeats almost everything we say these days.  He's trying so hard to learn so many words and is super proud of himself when he finds a word that he can say pretty well, like the word "yellow" he says it all the time.  I've been working with him on his colors and yellow is definitely his favorite one to say and point out.  He also loves the ABC's and numbers.  He constantly requests "BB's" which is his way of telling me to sing the ABC's and he loves to listen to me count.  So far he's able to count to 3 on his own.  His vocabulary is getting bigger and bigger by the day.  Like I said, he repeats just about everything we say but the words he says consistently are:

Da (Dasher)
Daddy, DaDa
Mama
Mimi
Gaga
Pa (Pops)
Ba (Bath)
Ni Ni (night night)
Yellow
Red
Purp (purple)
Boo (blue)
Geen (green)
Eat
Bye Bye
Hi
Bee
Car
Wow
Pap (paci)
Ree (Rain)
Bed
Nose
Eyes
Teet (teeth :-))
God
Amen
Mo (Elmo)
Bread (he's totally my child)
Blank (blanket)
Poop....he's all boy :-)
Ball
Raw (rock)
Go (he loves to say this to Dasher to get him to move out of the way)

Brayden loves giving kisses, blowing kisses, eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses.  He knows all the main body parts (eyes, ears, nose, mouth, teeth, head, hair, arms, hands, fingers, feet, toes, belly button) and he loves to point all these out when I rock him before laying him down for bed at night.

Brayden loves all things water whether it's the bath, water table, a pool, the sprinkler, the hose, the dog bowl...you name it, if it has water he's going to be playing in it.  He got to experience the beach for the first time last month and actually surprised us by not really wanting to do with ocean but more so the sand....he loved the sand!  I really wasn't expecting him to since he doesn't really like things on his hands but he proved me wrong.

Brayden's also very shy when it comes to men.  He doesn't have a problem with women but when it comes to men outside of the family he's a little standoffish.  He will either cry or bury his head to avoid eye contact haha.

He's not really into watching much TV but when he does he loves Elmo and Daniel Tiger.  And Brayden LOVES music!  His favorite song of all time is "Uptown Funk"...probably not the greatest song out there but it's the beat that he can't get enough of.  He calls it "Doo Doo" and if you've ever heard how that song begins you'll know why he calls it that :-)  Brayden also has two things that he carries around with him just about everywhere...his little dinosaur and a duck.  For some reason he really loves ducks and no matter where we go if he sees a toy duck, that's what he will go for :-)

Brayden has just recently started telling me when he's about to or going poop.  It still seems a little early to start potty training but I'm thinking we may start sooner rather than later.

I just can't believe we're 6 months away from having a 2 year old!  That's crazy to me!  It feels like just yesterday he was this itty bitty thing in the hospital room.  But we are so blessed and thankful for the sweet and loving little boy that God gave to us.  I pray that we will raise him to have a strong relationship with the Lord and that he will become the man that God created him to be.

Five Things a Food Allergy Mom Wants You to Know

After a hard day in "Allergy Land" I caught myself thinking millions of thoughts and wondering if anyone had any idea what it was like to be in this position.  Obviously you can't know what it's like unless you are given a glimpse, so here goes.  Here are five things this allergy mama wishes you knew:

1. I may seem obsessive and overprotective
I realize I may come across like this to others but honestly I'm okay with that.  If me reminding you of something over and over again means one less reaction for Brayden, then it was worth it.  The older Brayden gets the more I pray that I am able to balance my job of keeping him safe and also teaching him how to handle and take charge of his allergies on his own.  But as long as he's two feet tall with only the ability to jibber jabber all day, then I will continue to be my child's advocate and speak for him, hover, remind, question, and remind some more in order to keep him safe.  Sorry (not sorry) if you don't like that.

2. My child is perfectly normal in every other way
I am determined to not allow food allergies to define who Brayden is.  At only 14 months old this kid is smart, super adorable, stubborn, hilarious, determined, loving, cuddly and so much more.  He loves books, his favorite word as of late is "WOW!" and he can dance like you wouldn't believe (I'm talking some good hip action).  He just so happens to also be allergic to dairy, eggs, peanuts and tree nuts.  He is a kid with food allergies, he's not a food allergy kid.

3. I mourn food
This one is kind of silly, I get that but I truly do mourn the food Brayden can't eat.  I feel sad that he can't go to a Mexican restaurant and have chips and queso, a cheese enchilada or buttered tortillas.  It breaks my heart that we won't be going on family ice cream runs on warm summer nights.  It bums me out that we won't have pizza night and order from Papa John's or Dominos.  And I ache a little inside at the thought that he won't know what it's like to go to the donut shop in his pjs on a Saturday morning with dad.  I know it's just food but food is such a huge part of our society.  In happy times, you celebrate with food.  In sad times, you share a meal with friends.  In all the other times in life, you enjoy food with loved ones.  Going out to eat as a family won't be a fun, relaxing outing and that makes me hurt.

4. Food allergies are not minor
Just because your son's best friend's cousin was "allergic" to dairy and never had anything happen except an upset stomach, doesn't mean all food allergy reactions are like that.  Brayden has an epi-pen.  It has to be assumed that people who have epi-pens have severe allergies that could send them into an unconscious state which would require emergency treatment and medical personnel if they ever came in contact with one of their allergens.  I am so thankful that we have yet to experience anaphylaxis.  The worst that Brayden has had to deal with so far is his tiny body covered in hives, itchy bleeding skin and puffy red eyes.  It's not pretty and I'm sure it's uncomfortable but so far he hasn't had a super severe reaction.  He also has never had even a bite of egg or peanut butter.  But the fact that he has never experienced anaphylaxis doesn't mean that the possibility isn't there.  In fact, according to his numbers on his food allergy tests, he is a prime candidate for anaphylaxis.  He is off the charts for dairy and peanuts (they only test up to a certain number and he was above the number they stop testing) and his numbers for egg and tree nuts are so high that they are considered severe as well.  I've had people tell me, "Oh, just one bite won't hurt" but actually yes, one bite could hurt him. You would be surprised by the hives that form after receiving a kiss from mommy after she had just eaten cereal with milk (yes, this actually happened).  In fact, the first reaction that caused us to get him checked for food allergies came from just one tiny bite (really, just one noodle) of mac and cheese.  Food allergies are very serious.  Please don't downplay the struggles my son faces, it could cost him his life.

5. I am thankful for supportive, compassionate people
I can't even begin to describe the feelings that come when someone else tries to relate to our struggle with Brayden's food allergies.  When someone finds a recipe that fits our bill and shares it with me, I'm thankful.  When someone asks how Brayden is doing after a reaction, I notice and I'm thankful for your concern.  When we celebrate small victories like finding a new restaurant that Brayden can eat the food from, a new recipe that was a success, or one more day that he was kept safe, I appreciate all of you who celebrate right along with us.  Brayden has wonderful teachers at school who make sure to keep him safe.  I am very thankful for that.  This journey is lonely sometimes.  It's lonely when no one really "gets it" and when you don't have many people to relate to and bounce things back and forth with, but the people out there who try to understand, try to help, and try to encourage mean so much.  All of this to say, I also notice the not so kind, not so supportive, not so compassionate people who make me feel like my child is a burden.  And you, my friend(s), are on my naughty list.  It's one thing for someone to get under your skin but when someone is tacky about your child, that's a whole different ballgame, Amen?

Being a mom to a child with food allergies has made me see other parent's struggles with their children in a whole new light.  No one knows what another mom or dad is facing with their child.  As parents we are all struggling with something relating to our kids and that something is a big deal to whoever it is affecting.  I have learned so much about just showing grace and compassion to what others may be going through.  Even if I don't understand it, I can be supportive.  I know a lot of people don't understand all of the details involving food allergies and that's okay.  I don't expect you to.  But showing compassion and support in our struggle is heartwarming,  Being aware and careful when you are around my child, is extremely comforting.  While food allergies are scary and they are challenging, they don't have to be a death sentence.  Food allergies are manageable and with help from others we can keep Brayden (and all of the other children with food allergies) safe and happy.  There are so many people with major heartaches, hardships and struggles in life.  I am often reminded how blessed we are to have a healthy, happy little boy who is developing like any other toddler his age.  Now that's something to be thankful for.